The Mind of Bluesleepy

Learning to fly 18 July 2000

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 10:00 pm

Talk about the weirdest things… I know it’s not really that weird, but I was a little taken aback. I went to KFC today with my buddy Brian from work, who’s 21 and has some major personal problems that are very little of his fault, and I like him a ton and feel bad that he’s got such a shitty life at this point in his life. I knew he was precisely my age, and I knew he lived VERY close to my house, but I didn’t put two and two together until he mentioned going to high school. Then I finally asked where he went and when he graduated, and it turns out that he and I graduated from the same school in the same class!! I’m not too surprised that he didn’t know me, since I hung out with the dorks and he hung out with the popular folks, but I am a bit surprised that I don’t at least recognize his name. He knows some of my friends, since a few of them were rather notorious. But MAN that’s weird, to meet a guy three years after graduation that y’all went to the same school. Funky melons.

Did I ever mention that I used to get mad fum of for saying “y’all”? Apparently, I had a southern accent when I moved to Illinois, and I have traces of it still.

High school… that conversation with Brian got STRANGE. It all started with his mention of a girlfriend that he had (that I actually knew) and how they would mess around in every bathroom and hallway and in the back of the library. I never knew that particular girl was so interested in pleasures of the flesh… she always seemed so strait-laced to me. :o)

But I started thinking about high school again, and realized how much I’ve changed since then. Really I have. The most notable changes are physical — no glasses anymore, red hair, and a short haircut. Back in high school, there are few people that would have labeled me as pretty, and that’s not self-deprecating, that’s the god’s honest truth. Now, on the other hand, I get compliments on my looks somewhat frequently. The guys at work all think I’m cute, my boyfriend thinks I’m a hottie, and random guys try to pick me up. Oh, and the women who come in and tell me I’m gorgeous, that helps too. :o) I think it’s not just the physical changes, but also the self-confidence I have. Back in high school I was smart, I got good grades, I hung out with other smart kids who had no life. Then I get to college, and instead of being one of the smartest kids, I’m just one of MANY brilliant children, and now I’m at best in the middle of the ranks. So I have to rely on other things to be confident about. I like to think I have my stuff pretty well set in order, even though I am still somewhat immature, but I’m much more comfortable in my own skin.

I know precisely what Starryiied was talking about today, when she tried to explain that she doesn’t hate herself, but there are dark corners to her mind. She’s just a lot more comfortable expressing those dark corners than I am. I have done some really horrible things in my life… I have hurt people that I really wish I hadn’t… I have wanted to erase my life… I have felt some horrible pain in my twenty-one years. There are things about myself that I truly despise. But I am comfortable in my skin… I’m cozy being myself… I’m learning to love myself, to forgive myself for my self-hate. Most of that comes from the love of my friends, like Liza, and Stina, and Corey, that has taught me that I am not a bad person, that they love me for who I am. I also have to thank my sister Michele for all the support she has given me throughout the years, and all her advice in the arena of making myself look better and feel better in all aspects of life. And I can’t leave Kurt out of it… since I was really flabbergasted that he could love me as much as he does. But slowly I am putting Evil Karyl to rest… Slowly I am starting to love who I am, faults and all. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying to improve myself, so any and all critiques are welcome. :o)

I have found a new way of driving home from work. I’m tired of fighting the traffic on Pickett Road turning left onto Little River Turnpike, so now I go up Rt. 50 a little farther to Prosperity Rd. Prosperity Rd. has GOT to be my favourite road in all of this county… It’s this two-lane, winding, quiet road lined with lots of trees, and it has the coolest homes all along it. The houses are the coolest — you can tell they were built before same-model neighborhoods were conceived of because every house is different. There’s only that’s just plain brown planks of wood on the front, but if you look to the rear you can see that the house really is huge. Some houses have columns, some houses are small cottages, some houses look like they have artist studios attached. It’s just a peaceful way to end the day after dealing with stressed out customers.

Take care of yourselves!!! Much love goes out to you all!!


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