The Mind of Bluesleepy

A plea to all 22 July 2000

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 11:52 pm

Does anyone realize that I have feelings?? I know I present the image of a girl with a really thick shell. I have to have one — I got teased mercilessly in grade school. I don’t care what the popular girls think about me, I don’t care if the frat boys don’t think I’m sexy.

But I do have feelings. I can be reduced to tears like a child. My heart can feel like it’s going to break from the pain it has to endure. Does anyone realize that?

Even those that know me best probably think I’m Wonder Woman or something. I saw a shrink once that told me that he was amazed at how “normal” I was considering all the problems I had going on in my family at that time.

Now it looks like everything is going well for me… I am going to a good college, I have a loving family, I have a wonderfully supportive boyfriend, I have the world’s greatest best friend.

Not all is well in the land of the red. I sit here at the computer with my only outlet these words… I am not the strong woman everyone thinks I am. I have a rock-hard carapace that too often lets through the pain, and my fragile heart can’t take it.

Thankfully, I do have the support of my best friend and my boyfriend. These wonderfully strong men with perfect shoulders to cry on have been my strength through many of my problems, not to mention my sister who is constantly showing me that I am a good person.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings. Maybe my feelings are too fragile, maybe I let things get to me too easily. Just please remember that, and don’t deal with me so harshly. Just a plea…

The most pathetic thing of all is the fact that I feel like a little puppy sometimes, a puppy who loves everyone and just wants love in return. But then people come along, and want to play “Kick the Puppy.”

Then later, after a rousing game of this evil game, I go back to those people, again the loving puppy, and look up at them with my puppy eyes and beg for their love. Again they play “Kick the Puppy.” I can’t break free from this… and it really hurts.

Is there something wrong with me that this is done to me? Maybe I’m a masochist, or whatever. I just don’t know anymore…

Please be gentle…

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