The Mind of Bluesleepy

Paranoia 6 September 2000

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 9:50 pm

I love to watch my boyfriend sleep. Sappy, yes I know. But he’s so adorable! When it gets cold, he snuggles up in his quilt with only his shaved head showing, and he curls up in a fetal position with his head pillowed on one of his strong arms. He looks so young that way… a man five years my senior and a foot taller than me. (He’s thinking “Psycho!!” right now as he reads this. Hee hee!)

My bestest awesomest roomie bought me a very Karyl shirt today at TARGET!!! She felt guilty about going without me to my favourite store… hehehe. My sister and mother would both agree that it was definitely me. I love my roomie. :o)

It’s been a really rough week for me. I have been getting very little sleep and I haven’t been able to just vegetate the way I need to sometimes, just to recuperate from the stress of my life. Even coffee doesn’t help! I have been in state of bliss ever since I found out the library’s Starbucks never closes during the day (last year they were closed between 2 and 4pm, and I got out of work at 3pm), and so I’ve been making pilgrimages there. I’m still exhausted. Maybe I’m not as young as I used to be! :o)

******

Paranoia. Is anyone else out there as paranoid as I am?? Right now I’m fairly not paranoid about life. But there are days…

I always worry that I have pissed off one friend or another because they’re not treating me the way they always have. There are certain people that ALWAYS arise this feeling in me, and I know it’s stupid because I know how much these folks care about me. But I rack my brain for hours to figure out what the hell I did to them. Usually nothing… just my paranoia. My friends mean so much to me, and I would hate to have them pissed at me — I’ve lost too many over the years.

I am scared to death of looking for a job. I am paranoid that I have no skills, no experience, nothing that a employer would want. I keep thinking that I have no skills in computer science and that I’m just masquerading as a cs major. I think that’s because I am at a school where all the cs majors are geniuses and know everything about the subject. I feel so inadequate at times.

I’m paranoid when it comes to new things. I keep thinking that folks will think I’m an idiot, so I don’t want to open my mouth, I just want to sit in a corner. I don’t want to draw attention to myself. My stepmom sent me an article about folks in new jobs that just sit at their computer and do their jobs — they don’t always get promoted because they don’t make known their ideas. They’re too scared. That’s me. Cowering in the corner.

I wish I could have confidence in myself. The only place I have ever felt confident was at the computer store I work at over the summers. Maybe because I felt accepted there, and because people thought I knew what I was talking about. Here at school I’m on the low end of the totem pole. My grades aren’t as good as they should be because I just can’t manage to wring an A out of my professors. I guess it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I know I need to break out of it if I am to get anywhere in this life. I think I will at some point, and I am working on it. (No lectures about this, please — I’ve heard it all a million times and beat myself up about it even more often.) I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like doubting myself and my relations with the people around me. But it’s just something that happens. I do try to control my emotions, but I can’t help it sometimes.

I’m just paranoid…

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