The Mind of Bluesleepy

Fear 1 October 2000

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 11:13 pm

God, I am so pathetic. Stress just overruns my life, completely. I am so stressed about everything — about a graphics program due next Tuesday (read, in a week and a half) that I have no real idea how to do, about applying for jobs and getting interviews, about having to sign up for mock interviews and knowing that the spots are probably all full…

I watched the closing ceremonies for the Olympics tonight (actually, they’re still on — some gent is singing “Waltzing Matilda”), and I wished with all my might to switch places with an athlete so I didn’t have to deal with this stress.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy or unstable… I’m the only one that gets as nervous as I do. My friends are nervous and scared, but it doesn’t override their lives.

With me it’s a physical ailment — a queasiness in the stomach, shaking of the hands, faintness in the chest, things like that. I don’t know how to relieve it. I drink Tension Tamer tea, I watch tv, I cross-stitch, I read, I write in my journal… Always in the back of my mind is what I need to do to get whatever it is done. I can’t relax for a second — I am always strung tightly, taut as a wire. It’s not a good feeling.

And it makes me want to quit. Quit school, quit job hunting… I want to go out into the woods, live in a log cabin, and contemplate my toes. Or my belly button — whichever is more interesting at the time. Seriously, though, I don’t think I’m cut out for this kind of stuff. The fabric I’m woven of isn’t as thick as it needs to be. I doubt myself all the time, I doubt my skills and my ability to just deal with life. I feel so fragile most of the time.

Tonight I really let it out, poor Kurt. I just started to bawl in his arms like there was no tomorrow, and it’s not fair of me to dump on him all the time like I do. I need to grow up, I know I do. I just laid there, crying and howling because I just feel like crap. I need to find some way of coping, and all my strength has just deserted me.

Most of the time I just sit here thinking of how everything will be over by this time next year (we hope), and how great a time I’ve had in college before now. I need to keep in mind that I will pull through, that I will manage. It’s just not looking like it’s going to be likely right this moment, and I’m scared.

“We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.” Yes, I know that. I realize that. But I’m just plain scared.

I need to be strong….

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