The Mind of Bluesleepy

Mellow yellow… 21 February 2001

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 10:28 am

I guess I shouldn’t try to update this thing when I’m carrying on three IM conversations… I lose my train of thought as it is! Swiss cheese memory, that’s me…

**********

TGP and W came over yesterday. Oh I love those two! They are way too cute together, but in a good way.

And we watched Gia. Angelina Jolie looks DAMN good throughout most of the movie, so pretty. Not just bad-ass like she looks in most of her movies.

TGP says that I’m converting him to the goodness that is Angelina. Hehehe.

I shall take over the world!!!!! Everyone shall worship Angelina!!!! OK, just kidding.

Can you tell I’ve had little sleep?!

**********

There was a time not so long ago that I was really stressed out about a lot of things. Everything was getting to me, everything seemed to be going wrong. My paranoia was in full swing. Did I do this wrong? Did I do that wrong? Why were things seeming to go so badly? What did I do?!?!

And now it doesn’t bother me. Maybe to a degree I do get somewhat depressed, or maybe I am paranoid, or maybe it’s something else. Meaning, maybe there is something to me that isn’t quite right. Not that it bothers me, or that I like myself less.

But it makes me wonder when I’m perfectly okay with everything one day, and then the next day I’m super paranoid that I’ve pissed folks off or that I’ve done this wrong or that this other thing has happened and it’s all my fault.

The problem with my paranoia or whatever it is that’s wrong with me is it spills over into my relationship with Kurt. With the rest of folks, I just tend to withdraw into myself so that I don’t annoy them any further if I have indeed pissed them off in some way.

I seem to take out my frustration about my paranoia on Kurt. I tend to use him as a punching bag because I know he’ll tell me off if I get too pissy. But a lot of times I just can’t help myself. When I get in these moods, I can’t help just prodding him until he explodes — or everything he does just pisses me off until I can’t deal with it anymore. Sometimes his simple presence is annoying.

It’s nothing to do with him, though. It’s just me, the way I am. Which doesn’t make it right, because it sure as hell isn’t. I don’t know how to fix it, however, except to know that I’m doing it and try to consciously work on it.

Maybe I spend too much time alone. I spent the first two years of college going here, going there, hanging out with friends — I would have died if I had to eat a meal alone. Now I’ve become a homebody: I’m not that interested in going and doing, and my closest friends (save Angela, who lives off campus) live with me. If I want companionship, the farthest I have to go is next door. Or Brendan comes to me, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue. And if I want to be alone, it’s possible, even with Stina in the room. She’s not the type to yap randomly (although sometimes she talks to herself, but I can tune that out easily), and she somehow senses when to leave me alone.

Of course, there are times when I want to be companionable, and folks are busy. But that’s the nature of people — no one’s ever at your beck and call.

I got to thinking about this when I saw one of the girls in my Christian Origins class with her super-thick day planner — and realized that most folks on campus have to have a day planner in order to schedule their time. They have meetings and practice and time with friends and Greek functions…

But it made me wonder what will happen when they get out of college, when they no longer have meetings and practice and Greek functions every night. Will I be better off adjusting to the “Real World” because I have no need to be doing something every night? Because I can appreciate the value of sitting at home, relaxing?

I don’t know. I just feel that I have changed a lot since I was in high school — I am totally a different person. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad…. Maybe a good thing. I think I’m much less obnoxious now, but I’m not a good objective person to judge my faults or strong points.

I think I am happy with who I am. I’m relaxed about life, I’m relaxed about things going on in my life — I’m just mellow right now. It’s a good feeling; I hate being manic, which happens all too often.

Or maybe I’m just way too tired………

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