I logged on when I’m normally in front of the boob tube, tuned in to Futurama, in the hopes of an email from Kurt.
And there’s nothing.
So now I sit here, aimlessly surfing, looking at some people’s diaries and things, listening to my two cats destroy my kitchen in some way shape or form and I’m far too lazy to get up and see what they’re into.
Knowing my luck, they’ll probably overturn the garbage can.
Or break the vertical blinds.
This is the worst part of Kurt being away. I’ve just got ME to rely on, and I’ve never really had to do that before. Although it’s a lot easier being alone in fact than not existing when there are other people around — that’s doubly hard.
And at night, it’s even harder. There’s no one I can just call up, not at this hour, no one I know well enough to bother at 11pm. Plus it’s even later in the rest of the country — 2am where my family is.
It’s just so freakin’ far away here. And the only person I’ve talked to today, had a conversation with, is my sister on the phone while she and I both ran errands on opposite coasts. J. has taken a full time job until the end of the school year, and T.’s husband doesn’t seem too keen on me, so I try to stay away. Although he doesn’t seem too keen on anyone, so I’m trying not to take it personally.
Kurt’s been gone only sixteen days, and already the emptiness of the house is annoying. There’s no one to say, “Hey, look at the TV!” or “Come look at what someone sent me on email!” or even simply “What do you want to do today?” There’s no one else to cook, fold the clothes, make the bed, feed the pets, empty the litter box… it’s all my responsibility. Thank God I don’t have kids.
Add to all of that my affectionate needs. I’m naturally just an affectionate person — and I haven’t felt anyone’s arms around me in sixteen days. No kisses, hugs, cuddling… I guess that’s the hardest part. And Kurt and I silently communicating sometimes, with just a look or a touch.
I always said when I was little that I would NEVER marry a sailor.
I should have listened to myself.