The Mind of Bluesleepy

Stress and exhaustion 28 June 2004

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 11:47 pm

It’s way too blasted late for me to be up, considering the week I’ve had. I don’t even know what all I have done this week; all I know is I am completely and totally wiped out.

Yesterday I went with J up to her sister-in-law’s parents’ place where they run a ceramics painting business, and I didn’t really do anything all day. I painted something for J that she’s planning on selling, but that was it, unless you count the shopping we did beforehand. There was a Carter’s Outlet up there having a 70% off sale, so I got a bunch of stuff for the baby for only $30.

And why is it that very few places sell gender-neutral clothing?? Am I *that* odd that I don’t want to know the gender of my baby before it’s born?? Why spoil the fun??

By the time we headed back towards Seattle, I was having serious problems keeping my eyes open. I couldn’t even hold my head up during the ferry ride back to our side of the Sound. I just felt completely fatigued.

Of course, Kurt and I decided to get into an argument yesterday, which culminated in my telling him I didn’t want to talk to him for a couple of days so that we could just calm down and figure stuff out for ourselves, but he wanted me to call him once I got home. That then turned into a long conversation that didn’t end until well after 11pm.

This morning when I woke up, at 9:30am, I felt no better. I seemed to have slept well since I don’t remember falling asleep or anything that may have happened during the night, but once I got to the living room with my breakfast, I just did not want to do a thing. So I laid there on my couch, just vegetating with the tv on. I was supposed to go to some games tonight with J, but there was no way I could stomach the idea of going anywhere today.

I did manage to wash all my bedding, including the mattress pad and the quilt, along with my towels. I also meant to vacuum and dust today, but I never got that far. The front and side yard are mowed, though, not without issues from my damn lawnmower, so I did manage to get some things done and feel somewhat productive today.

One thing I don’t understand is I seem to be suffering from some fear now that I am pregnant. If I am trying to fall asleep, and I know I have to go somewhere the next day, my mind starts conjuring up all these images of getting into a serious accident or some other calamity. But once I am in my car driving down the road, I feel comfortable and safe. I have no worries.

Now that the trip to see Dad is getting so close, I am starting to fear the plane ride, which is completely ridiculous, considering the fact that I have flown (and most of the time by myself) since I was six years old, and as far as Italy and Kenya with no mishaps at all. I’ve never even lost my baggage (knock on wood). I know I will be perfectly safe in the air, but the fear just creeps up on me. I have no idea why I would feel this way, especially since I have never been afraid of flying before.

Plus I am just completely and totally stressed out right now. The thing with Kurt on top of this trip is just too much. I always stress before I go somewhere because I am OCD enough to panic regarding leaving stuff behind — even though I am going to an even more civilized area of the world, so if I do forget an item, it is very easy to replace. I don’t have to worry about flying while pregnant and going to another part of the country since if something happens to me, I will be very close to Bethesda Medical Center, an awesome military hospital that’s much more capable of taking care of anything that could crop up than the hospital I am currently going to.

I know also that I will have to seriously bite my tongue while I’m there in order to simply keep the peace. My stepmom means well, but she’s got the world’s shortest fuse and doesn’t even realize half the stuff that comes out of her mouth. It’s not worth it at all to get offended because she wouldn’t understand why you were upset if you did get mad. Plus I cannot allow the way they’re raising my brother, a lot more leniently than either my sister or me, get under my skin. I don’t want this vacation to turn into something ugly because it’s been so long that I’ve seen everyone, and because I just don’t need it at this time. I just want to have a good time, and I hope everyone will just chill out and have fun. Only time will tell, though.

But being the optimist that I am, I shall have to think positively and then everything *will* work out. I hope so, anyhow.

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