The Mind of Bluesleepy

Pathetic 21 June 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 12:39 am

Guess what, guys?  My husband thinks I’m pathetic.  Ain’t that great??

He comes home from being on deployment for seven months, having gained thirty pounds so now he’s nearly 280, and I’m the pathetic one.

And since he’s been home, he wants to lose weight.  Guess what a diet is to him?  Chicken wings, fried food, going out to eat at least once a day, and then when we do go to a restaurant, he chooses the absolute worst thing on the menu.  Why?  Because it’s good!

I try to talk to him about our problems.  This is the fourth argument we’ve had since he’s gotten home on the 8th.  One was so bad I chose to sleep on the couch.  This will probably be another one, just like that.  He refuses to talk, though.

Right now he’s sitting on the couch telling me all I’m gonna do is angel-factor myself.

I guess he doesn’t know me at all.  Seven years we’ve been together, and he’s got no clue.

I know I’m no angel.  From the moment I was born, if I wanted someone to say something nice about me, I had to say it to myself.  No one told me I was a good kid, no one told me I was worth anything.  No one told me I was good enough.

So yeah, I know I have an anger problem.  Yeah, I know I’m a nag and a bitch.  Yeah, I know I’m all the awful things he likes to tell me I am.

But it’s him who’s perfect.  It’s him who’s the “Golden Child,” which is what his parents have been calling him since the day he was born.  He’s the son who made something of himself, the one they’re proud of, the one they call when they have problems.  His grandma told me in confidence one day that of all the grandkids she has (and since she had five kids, she has a lot of grandkids), Kurt is her absolute hands-down favorite.  He’s perfect, and I’m shit under his shoes.

He won’t listen.  He won’t talk.  All he wants to do is yell and scream over me because he doesn’t want to hear me.

And I don’t want to be here anymore.  Four major arguments in a week and a half is just too exhausting.  Just take me away from all of this.  I’m so sick of arguing.  I’m so sick of not being heard.  I’m so sick of being run over and ignored.

He will never see how he pours fuel on the fire when we get into an argument.  He is not man enough to see how he’s making it worse.  He can never just let it go and move on.  I’m the one who has to walk on eggshells around him so I don’t say the wrong thing and spark off an argument.  He just wants to be right.

And you know what?  He’s right.  And I’m done with him.  I am out of here as soon as we sell this house, and he can move by himself to Rhode Island.  I have nothing keeping me here.  There’s no reason for me to stay.  More and more and more I am losing my self, and I know I can do much better out there on my own.

I made the mistake of thinking someone could complete me and take care of me and make me feel safe and loved.  Now I’m learning I am the only one who can give me that feeling, and for me to accomplish that I need to be on my own and independent.

And I can never do that with Kurt dragging me down.

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13 Responses to “Pathetic”

  1. Terri Says:

    Oh, honey! I’m so very, very sorry that you’re going through this right now. From what I understand (and we live in the vicinity of an Army base and an Air Force base, Ft. Wainwright and Eielson respectively) the first few months a spouse has returned from deployment are hugely difficult! I’m glad at least you have your blog to get these feelings out!! And I’m just an e-mail away. 🙂 Vent, baby! Vent!

  2. david Says:

    Oh god Karyl.
    I am so sorry I’ve been leaning on you when you’ve been going through this. Please know that all the help you have ever been to me is freely offered a thousand-fold. I hope to god Kurt sees this and realizes how serious things are and how bad you’re hurting and does whatever it takes to make you feel as loved and wonderful as you are. I hope you know that mom and I will always have a place for you, and freely offer any help we possibly can. I’m praying that in the time between you writing this and now he’s apologized and things are working out. No matter what, I hope you always know how wonderful I know you are, and how much I will always love you.

  3. boxx9000 Says:

    YOU are a good kid! YOU are worth EVERYthing! YOU are MORE than good enough! I LOVE you just the way you are! It has to be a HUGE adjustment for military families when spouses are kept apart and then thrown back together again. So many issues to sort out. It’s probablly quite normal and logical to fight even tho you two have been counting the days until you’d be together again. Like when kids throw a fit when you return from dropping them off at a sitter, they’re telling you they are angry that you were gone. ((((hugs))) Bottom line? Remember that you really DO love each other and everything else is not really important in the BIG picture. (I know, easier said than done) Don’t take the fights personally as tho you’ve done anything wrong or are anything less than your best. It’s just an adjustment thing you two are going thru and it REALLY DOES ALL WORK OUT IN THE END (it always does)

  4. chaosdaily Says:

    i hear you.. and i can sympathize. hang in there..

  5. kitchenlogic Says:

    I’m so sorry it’s so rough getting readjusted to one another. A tip would be to not talk with him about what he’s eating. It never helps someone who needs to lose weight. Just offer healthy options at home and refuse to go out to eat with him. Offer to go for walks together. Maybe then you two can get into a better swing of things. What a bummer!

  6. giannarazi Says:

    Ouch. I hope the venting session felt as good as it did to release it. I hope things can be smoothed out. It is a rough spot right now, but you both can come through it. YOU can come through it just fine. *hugs* Either way, you know you have your friends here for you to talk too. None of us are going anywhere. *hugs*

  7. giannarazi Says:

    P.S. I need you to update my link it’s http://giannarazi.wordpress.com – I joined wordpress.

  8. Amanda Says:

    Oh dear. I’ve been gone a week, and your having a major crisis. I’m so sorry. I wonder if this is a military thing…see my Husband acts the same way. HE treats me the same way. It used to be way worse than it is now. His family feels the same way about him as well. Out of all his cousins and such, he’s the ONLY one that is/has gone to College. He’s the ONLY one that has moved away from thier hometown. So of course everyone in the family worships him. The worst of it all, is I see the real side of him….and his parents and rest of his family continue to put him on this pedastool and make his head even bigger. And because I stay at home with our child, I’m just riding his coat tail, I’m not important, I’m worthless. I even went to college, graduated, but to him, it’s not that great b/c I went to school online. So I can relate….and I’m so sorry for you dear. I hope something changes soon. How long till you guys move?

  9. terri T. Says:

    I came over via Terri’s blog to read yours. I am sorry about the problems but I think it is a typical thing when men are gone for a period of time; they feel displaced…and in order to feel they are in charge again…they boss the woman around. I hope you can work things out. I am married to a retired policeman and believe me, they can be similar…just don’t get deployed for months on end.

    If he is upset about his weight; let him work on it. You can make good meals and hopefully he will learn what to eat.

  10. yankeechick Says:

    Oh Sweet Pea!! I am SO sorry you are feeling this way! For what it’s worth, I think you are one of the most awesome, multi-talented, giving, kind hearted I have ever had the pleasure to know! You remind me alot of Terri in many ways. I admire your ambition and talents and you are worth SO much more than you will ever know, to many, many people! As for Kurt, I don’t know about the adjustment period thing. Chuck is very different from most men, but he often worked out of town, sometimes for months at a time and we never had problems like that. I guess I’m at a loss to understand WHY?!? Maybe when he gets on you and starts yelling and arguing…..try to ignore it. Don’t give him the satisfaction of fighting back. I suspect you’re a leetle too feisty for that to happen, tho’. This is something I can’t understand so I really should keep my trap shut, BUT!!!! I am here to tell you that you are loved and admired for the terrific talented woman and mother that you are. DO NOT ever doubt those qualities in yourself!! XOXOX

  11. twisterjester Says:

    *Hugs* I haven’t had a chance to read for a couple of days but I gathered that there was a storm brewing from the time K came home. I’m sorry to hear lighting is striking with such frequency.

    I don’t know Kurt nor you personally, but I can speak from experience. There are a lot of things – a LOT of them – worse than being single, or even being a single parent.

    You have to do what’s best for you and your daughter. If you and Kurt can do counseling you might make it as a couple. If not, chances are the best thing for all concerned is to cut loose and say, “Enough.” The only other advice I can give you is no matter what, don’t use Gracie as a pawn through all of this. If you can handle that, she won’t be hurt at all even if you and Kurt go your separate ways.

  12. michele Says:

    Holy shit. I can’t tell you how sad I am that I have to read about your problems online …days after it’s happened. I’m your sister and I should get a phone call when things are this bad. I’m assuming from our conversation yesterday afternoon that things are okay with you. If not, please let me know. And next time, *PLEASE* call me. I don’t care what time it is! You’re my sister and I want to be there for you, honey!!! I mean, isn’t that what family is for??? Love you!

  13. Fi Says:

    You and Kurt have additional hurdles for young marrieds that most people don’t have to battle through. The long absences make it extra hard for both of you. You have set up a system that works for you whilst he is away and he has cherished a memory (or maybe a fantasy) of how things are at home. They are not going to always coincide. Marriage is ALWAYS a struggle. You have to work at it. There is only one question to ask. Do you love him? If the answer is yes, then you have to work at making it work. If the answer is no, walk now.


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