Guess what, guys? My husband thinks I’m pathetic. Ain’t that great??
He comes home from being on deployment for seven months, having gained thirty pounds so now he’s nearly 280, and I’m the pathetic one.
And since he’s been home, he wants to lose weight. Guess what a diet is to him? Chicken wings, fried food, going out to eat at least once a day, and then when we do go to a restaurant, he chooses the absolute worst thing on the menu. Why? Because it’s good!
I try to talk to him about our problems. This is the fourth argument we’ve had since he’s gotten home on the 8th. One was so bad I chose to sleep on the couch. This will probably be another one, just like that. He refuses to talk, though.
Right now he’s sitting on the couch telling me all I’m gonna do is angel-factor myself.
I guess he doesn’t know me at all. Seven years we’ve been together, and he’s got no clue.
I know I’m no angel. From the moment I was born, if I wanted someone to say something nice about me, I had to say it to myself. No one told me I was a good kid, no one told me I was worth anything. No one told me I was good enough.
So yeah, I know I have an anger problem. Yeah, I know I’m a nag and a bitch. Yeah, I know I’m all the awful things he likes to tell me I am.
But it’s him who’s perfect. It’s him who’s the “Golden Child,” which is what his parents have been calling him since the day he was born. He’s the son who made something of himself, the one they’re proud of, the one they call when they have problems. His grandma told me in confidence one day that of all the grandkids she has (and since she had five kids, she has a lot of grandkids), Kurt is her absolute hands-down favorite. He’s perfect, and I’m shit under his shoes.
He won’t listen. He won’t talk. All he wants to do is yell and scream over me because he doesn’t want to hear me.
And I don’t want to be here anymore. Four major arguments in a week and a half is just too exhausting. Just take me away from all of this. I’m so sick of arguing. I’m so sick of not being heard. I’m so sick of being run over and ignored.
He will never see how he pours fuel on the fire when we get into an argument. He is not man enough to see how he’s making it worse. He can never just let it go and move on. I’m the one who has to walk on eggshells around him so I don’t say the wrong thing and spark off an argument. He just wants to be right.
And you know what? He’s right. And I’m done with him. I am out of here as soon as we sell this house, and he can move by himself to Rhode Island. I have nothing keeping me here. There’s no reason for me to stay. More and more and more I am losing my self, and I know I can do much better out there on my own.
I made the mistake of thinking someone could complete me and take care of me and make me feel safe and loved. Now I’m learning I am the only one who can give me that feeling, and for me to accomplish that I need to be on my own and independent.
And I can never do that with Kurt dragging me down.