The Mind of Bluesleepy

Flitterygibbit 6 December 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 12:57 pm

There are so many thoughts roiling around in my brain that I don’t know what I want to write about. It’s like my brain can’t just relax and enjoy the ride; there are thoughts pushing in everywhere, like kids who fight to be line-leader at school.

“Me!! Me first!! It’s my turn!!!”

I just wish sometimes my head would just shut up already. I’ve got the lyrics to Dave Matthews Band “Rhyme & Reason” stuck in my head:

My head won’t leave my head alone
And I don’t believe it will
Till I’m dead and gone
My head won’t leave my head alone
And I don’t believe it will
Till I’m six feet under ground…”

Only I’m not talking about drug abuse, like he is (the song continues: “Needle to the vein/ Needle to the vein/ Take this needle from my vein my friend”).  I just have thoughts, feelings, emotions, that do nothing but swirl round and round and round and round till I’m almost dizzy.

I know I’m starting to sink into a depression.  I can feel it.  But I’m resisting it with everything in me.

I know there are lots of things I can do to prevent the downward slide.  Instead of lazing around in my jammies all day, I know I need to get up and get dressed.  So I’ve even got on jeans today, instead of lounging pants.  (Jeans for me is getting dressed since they’re not as comfortable as my lounging pants.)  I’ve got on a nice shirt, and I even styled my hair.  Last night I decided to forgo my shower, putting it off until this morning, because I figured I’d just let my hair air-dry instead of going through all the effort of blow-drying it.

Then I realized that I’m sinking… that I’ve got to pull myself back up.  That’s when I realized I need to style my hair.  I need to put my makeup on.  I need to look my best because that’s when I feel the best about myself.  It’s hard to be depressed when you look pretty.

So here I sit, my hair blow-dried and styled, my makeup applied just so… and I’m not going anywhere.  But at least it’s helping to keep my head above water.

It’s easier to slip when Kurt’s not home.  I do miss him, of course, but it’s easier to stay sane when there’s someone here to keep me company.

Ack.  I just hate writing all this out because it sounds so stupid.  I hate people thinking that all I do is whine and complain.  My stepmom calls me on it every single time because she doesn’t want me to end up like my dad.  He complains a lot, and it’s quite draining for her to be around.

I feel so much pressure from my parents, though.  When does it stop?!?!

I can’t call my mom to vent when Kurt and I get into a fight.  She remembers the obnoxious, annoying kid I was ten years ago, which makes her think that if I were nicer to Kurt, we wouldn’t get into these arguments.  Any time I get upset, things get blown way out of proportion.  I get reminded all the time that my grandmother was mentally ill, and that I need to make sure I get help before I get to the same stage as my grandmother.  Madness is genetic, you know; of course, I must be mad as well.

I just feel that they did a crappy job raising me, yet now I am supposed to be the perfect mother and wife.  All I know is what not to do.  I don’t know what I should be doing.  I don’t know how to be a good mother, I don’t know how to be a good wife.  All I can do is try.

I guess the thing that bothers me the most is the lack of support.  Most of the time I feel so very alone.  I don’t feel that I can call my parents and have them be there for me.  They have their own lives and their own interests.

I guess that’s why I focus on Grace so much.  I don’t want her feeling like a burden and a bother to me.  I don’t want her to feel superfluous.  I want her to know that I love her, and that I’m interested in her.  We have conversations all the time, though I rarely know what she’s saying.  I hug and I kiss her any chance I get.  Sometimes we have shouting matches in which we try to yell louder than the other person, “I LOVE YOU!!!!”


Well, as Scarlett said so profoundly, “Tomorrow is another day.”  Tomorrow will be better.  It usually is.


15 Responses to “Flitterygibbit”

  1. purple chai Says:

    It sounds like however they raised you, they’re still doing it. If your mom says you whine and complain, I think that’s her problem, not yours. You are how you are, and you are entitled to feel how you do and to vent it as well, although venting to her is probably not the best thing. If nothing else, you have here.

  2. Lilmisskewl Says:

    Thanks for the comments… you make me blush… and yes, it was all about those red shoes! I didn’t buy a dress first, I bought shoes and worked around it. haha. But man, My feet ached! Normally I am fine in that kind of shoe but I guess I didn’t take pregnancy into consideration!!! OUCH! They were so red & swollen the next day… all my pretty girly shoes are gone away until our baby is born!

    Good to hear from you. I hope all is well… I’ll try and do some catching up onj your entries here soon. I miss you!


  3. chaosdaily Says:

    you are doing a good job! parents never stop trying to be your parent…. you will always be their child.. and like the purple chai said, you always have here to vent. maybe while kurt is gone you can do one thing a day with grace.. go out for lunch, window shop, museum, library….

  4. michele Says:

    your entry mad me sad… i feel for you honey… really and truly… you know you can call ME anytime. I mean, what good is it to have a sister if you don’t rely on her??

    i’m sorry that you’re feeling down.. maybe my care pak will cheer you up a bit!

    LOVE YOU!!

    I’ll call you later…..

  5. freshhell Says:

    I know what you’re going through and sympathize. You’re doing a fine job, regardless of what you or anyone else thinks. But, do not forget to get out of the house and be “yourself” by yourself once in awhile. We all need to remember how to be grownups (and not feel like we’re being selfish). Our kids are happier and healthier when we are. I have issues with my mother and am still struggling with ways to ignore the slights and make myself happy. It’s not easy and I go through bouts of depression (that really hit after the birth of my second child) but my kids keep me centered and alive. Hang in there!

  6. acaldwell Says:

    Flitterygibbit Gravy!! now in the 6 ounce bottle, only $1.58 at Stop & Shop!

  7. Rosietoes Says:

    I know exactly how you feel, when I got up today I had to force myself to get showered, dressed and do my hair. I just don’t feel like doing much of anything right now. But I think Chaos is right, getting out is a good idea. But the best thing is having your diary to vent, because you can say whatever you like! *Hugs*

  8. Poolie Says:

    Hang in there, kiddo. Holding you in my heart.

  9. sleepyjane Says:

    What I have read so far tells me that you are a wonderful mother! The fact that you make a concious decision to make her feel that she’s important already says bucket loads. I’ve always felt that I was ‘in the way’ … at times. So yeah.

    I hope you feel better soon! Maybe you should take Grace for an outing, like the comments above suggest?


  10. clairec23 Says:

    *Bone crushing bear hug!*

    Blue, deep down you know that you are a great mother and obviously a great wife too. You idolise your little girl and you wait patiently for your hubby to return. I can’t really explain it but I think it’s obvious to the rest of us that you do. You have a lot going for you that a lot of other people don’t have. You don’t waste your time on petty things when the important things need you. I completely and utterly admire you.

    Maybe you should go out and do something fun with Grace today to cheer yourself up. The fact that you know you are slipping means you can take precautions to fight it, just like you are doing already. Making yourself get dressed and make yourself look nice are great ideas. Just don’t let those bad feelings win and tear you down. I know you’re strong enough to beat them.

    Don’t listen to the voices that make you feel like you’re doing something wrong. You’re entitled to say how you feel. You’re not complaining, you’re stating a fact. There’s a difference. You are a good person, don’t let other people’s problems affect you, as purple chai said, it sounds like your stepmom’s problem, not yours. I hope you can see the good in your life today xxx

  11. It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I just wanted to say: I’ve been there.

  12. oleandlena Says:

    When does pressure from parents stop? When YOU don’t allow it to bother you anymore. And that’s a tough one to overcome. I’ve got so much to tell you I’m going to write you an email. See you shortly, Sweetie!

  13. Margie Says:

    Blue, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and with all your posts and your beautiful pictures, it seemed like your life was/is good. Sometimes we all get down, but you can’t let one bad day/thing/time let it ruin the rest. I’m sure you are a good mother, from what I’ve read and pics I’ve seen, I would say that you are. As far as you and Kurt getting into arguements, honey, that’s life. When two people live together, there are going to be differences. Even with the children. So, you know you can’t vent to your mother, that’s ok. You need an individual friend who loves you no matter what to confide in. From the previous comments, I’d say you have plenty. So, cheer up, and go take some beautiful pictures to show us out here in cyberland.
    A reader

  14. clairec23 Says:

    Blue, I haven’t seen you anywhere today, hope you’re okay. I hope you’re out having a lot of fun while I’m sitting here missing ya 😉 Feel better soon…

  15. cardiogirl Says:

    Hey bluesleepy, I’m a tad worried about you too. I’m sure you are enjoying Kurt’s company and playing with Grace, just taking space away from the computer today, but I wanted to stop in and say hi.

    I’m sort of in a funk myself. It most certainly does not sound stupid to say how you are feeling. Doesn’t it seem like the easiest thing in the world, just get up in the morning and make yourself do stuff.

    But we both know it’s not as simple as it sounds. Good luck and I’ll be waiting for you when you get back.

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