The Mind of Bluesleepy

Climbing out from under my rock 3 January 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 1:25 pm

I started this blog way back in March 2000. I was in my junior year at the College of William and Mary, majoring in computer science and minoring in linguistics. Looking back, I know I should have majored in at least linguistics; computer science was just so very wrong for me. It doesn’t much matter now, fortunately.

I roomed with this girl named Cristina both junior and senior years. She decided to start an online diary over at Diaryland sometime in our junior year and told me and some of our mutual friends about it. It ended up that she and I, along with our suitemate Franny and our good friend Angela, each had our own online diaries. For a while, we all read each other’s diaries, which was highly amusing seeing as we all saw each other every single day.

After a while, my blog became a way for my real mother and my sister to keep in contact with me and to know what was going on in my life. It was certainly cheaper than phone calls (this was before I got a cell phone, and long distance rates in college were 10ยข a minute), and it was easier than sitting down and writing them an email every day.

Eventually my college friends either shut down their diaries or moved them to other locations. By this time I had lost contact with most of them anyhow, save Angela, so it didn’t really bother me. Yet here I still am, still writing, still using this blog as a way to let out the words screaming to get out of my head.

However, in college, it was sort of understood that you didn’t talk about your diary. You wrote it, you let people read it at their leisure, and you never really spoke about it. If you liked an entry of someone else’s, you could go ahead and talk about it (this is wayyyyyyyyyy before comments, people). But you never brought up your own entries to someone, and you never made them feel like they had to read you.

I still carry those rules in my head with me to this day. I don’t tell people that I know in real life that I have a blog. I don’t make people feel they have to read me, and they have to comment. I am pleased each day that I get as many comments as I do, but I don’t seek them out.

Even when I talk to Caroline on the phone and tell her about something I have already blogged about, I ask her first, “Did you read my blog?” and then follow it up with, “You don’t have to read it, you know.” I just don’t want to repeat myself if she’s already read it.

I feel odd telling people that I have a blog. So many people have one, and so many people use it as a way of getting attention. Some folks can write amazingly well and have a zillion readers. Some people even get the attention of national news sites and are quoted by them.

Me, I write because I have to. When I was in college I kept both a paper journal and this blog. The most private stuff went into the paper journal, thoughts and feelings and events I didn’t want anyone else knowing about. The blog was for more public stuff, and though I no longer keep a paper journal, much to my dismay, it still helps me to work through my issues if I write in my blog. I don’t even have to write about the personal stuff; somehow just the act of putting words on the screen is enough to let me work through my problems in the background of my mind.

For the longest time, I have kept myself very compartmentalized. There’s one Karyl for my friends. There’s another Karyl for my family. Another Karyl for my blogging friends. Another Karyl for my Flickr group. They’re all basically the same Karyl, just many different manifestations for different situations.

Why all the different Karyls? Mainly because I have different levels of openness. There are some things I am willing to share to my Flickr group that I wouldn’t dare write about here. But I am more willing to be open here than I am to my family. And to my friends, I want them to see me as someone who’s fun and easy to be with, not someone you hate hanging out with. I usually end up being the one you call when you need an ear, not the other way around.

But slowly I am melding all these Karyls together. Maybe because it’s because I’m getting older every year, and starting to care less and less what people think about me. Sure, I want people to think I am nice, that I’m a good friend, that I’m a good person. But it’s starting to matter less to me.

Slowly I am getting up the courage to just let it all hang out. You already know that I have all my photos linked from this site. You all know what I look like. But it’s been hard for me to close the connection, to link my diary from my Flickr page. I have people I know in real life who look at my Flickr page. Do I really want them reading this blog? It goes back to Rule #1 from college — You don’t talk about your blog.

A few days ago I edited my profile on Flickr to link to this page. Anyone who knows me in real life can now read this. It’s kind of scary, in a way, but also quite liberating. Because now slowly I can meld all these Karyls and just be me.

Not a bad person to be, I don’t think.


16 Responses to “Climbing out from under my rock”

  1. liz Says:

    Not bad at all ๐Ÿ™‚

    I know what you mean though, nobody in 3D knows I have a blog, and nobody I met online knows me in 3D. Maybe one day…

  2. chaosdaily Says:

    I would like to get to the point where I would be able to not hide my blog!

  3. Aimee Says:

    I feel the same way. I just let everyone know from the place I’ve been blogging at since 01, who came over from a message board since I was pregnant…about this blog. Kind of scary to meld myself together. I’ve never allowed myself to be political before on a blog. And I’ve never been at home showing my imperfections…like potty, potty mouth. But now, they can take me or leave me. It is Liberating. And I’ve never blogged for attention either. Just because writing is like breathing for me.

  4. whatdayisit Says:

    I always kind of wanted to keep my blogsite for ‘strangers only” I really didn’t want people in the 3D world to know my every thought…but my husband asked if he could read it…ok…that eliminates some of the reason I wrote it so now a few friends read it….I know I could make up another blog but frankly, I don’t need to. I probably would never write my most deep dark secrets anywhere where someone could see them anyway….
    And as to your previous blog, I don’t think you whine at all. I find your blog to be very interesting, very fun to read and I look forward to whatever is on your mind each time. Love the photos, love sharing your thoughts and viewpoints …keep up the great work. And good luck with that babymaking…. LOL

  5. Poolie Says:

    I love your blog, keedo! Since I don’t really say anything important in my blog, I don’t care who reads. If they like clown shoes and pretend pirate ships, all the better. I have my private stuff neatly tucked away on my laptop, and it will never see the light of cyberland.

  6. sleepyjane Says:

    I have to agree. Not bad at all! You are wonderful and this blog will only verify that. It’s honest and open and refreshing.

    I have to tell you though. No one I know in ‘real life’ knows I have a blog. ANd I like it that way. You just gave me an idea for an entry. ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Shear Says:

    Girl, you already know I think you’re cool. You ooze cool.

    Meh, I don’t care who reads my diary. I don’t tell people about it, but if they happen upon it, I’ll tell them the truth. I even gave my password to hubby. He won’t even read it. He says he has to listen to me enough and he sure doesn’t want to have to read me too. Heh.

  8. Kate Says:

    You know, I totally went through that process of saying hey, this is who I am, and I am this person. That was when I changed all my user names to Kate Musgrove because you know what? I’M KATE MUSGROVE. It has been incredibly freeing.

  9. MilitaryMom Says:

    I know how you feel. I am a little leery of letting people know who I really am. I even posted my name and picture and stuff on it one day, then deleted it the next! Only my hubby and sister read it from my real world, but I love the cyber friends I have made! I guess I just don’t want the bubble to burst. I blog because it makes me feel like I have an outlet that nobody can judge me by. And it helps me connect to some truly cool people that I may have a few things in common with, like you! Thanks for blogging and thanks for being a friend.

  10. clairec23 Says:

    I can completely relate to being a different person to different people but I think that nobody could judge you badly for how you write in your blog. You’re honest but not mean, and you let us all in on the little details that make us feel like we know you so well.

    I used to be sort of fearful of writing how I felt on my blog. I didn’t like the thought of confrontation but nobody I know reads my blog, except Mr. Claire the once ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s like I’m letting complete strangers know more about me than my own family…it sounds a bit odd now I say it…and I’m not afraid of what anyone else thinks of me. Even people I like and respect. If they don’t like me for the real me then it would be a bit of a fraud to pretend otherwise.

    I can’t believe you’ve been blogging so long! I’d love to be able to say that ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. Catie Says:

    Good for you Karyl.

  12. Michele Says:

    I’ve always liked & loved all facets of the different Karyls, Rees, Reezels, ccRees, etc. *wink*

    You are an amazing person and that’s why I aspire to be like you (in many ways). Of course, there are parts of myself that I like already but there are somethings that you are quite adept at that I wish that I was as well. (photography, writing & humor come to the forefront of my mind)

    And, as you get older I hope you come to the point where you feel you can share all those ‘private’ thoughts/feelings with me without fear of judgement. I love you— flaws and all.

    Love you, Sis!!!

  13. Angela Says:

    Awww I remember our Happy Birthday Uncle Bob diaryland picture! Sniff sniff, memories. ๐Ÿ™‚ And reading about the unspoken rule (VERY true!), I have, “The first rule of Fight Club is, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!” stuck in my head!

    I’ve known you long enough to see many of the Karyls in action, and I love each and every one of them because they are all the same wonderful, loving, compassionate, beautiful woman. I’m glad that blogging has helped you work through the rough spots and empowered you to be comfortable being yourself no matter what the situation – you are Karyl, and you are awesome, and nuts to anyone who doesn’t see you for the fabulous woman that you are. Love you creampuff. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  14. Tracy27 Says:

    I know just what you mean, Karyl. When I asked people to post links to their blogs @ our Flickr group, I almost didn’t even list mine because I didn’t want anyone to think I was pandering for readers. My parents don’t know I have one (I think/hope), and I know that some of my friends who do know haven’t bothered to check it, and that’s fine. I think it’s awesome you posted your blog link on your Flickr bio, though, and it probably does say a lot about your increased self-confidence that you did.

    What you said about all your different personas struck home too. I jokingly blame it on being Gemini, but I can definitely relate to feeling like you have to put on different faces for different people or edit yourself based on what you think they can deal with. It takes a lot of bravery to be 100% oneself all the time and damn the consequences.

  15. Fi Says:

    I used to be like that. Now my reaction is basically – this is me, take me or leave me. If people don’t like me for who I really am then they aren’t worth the stress of pretence. The only time I play the game now is when I am being “manager’s wife” and, then, it is for my husband’s sake and not because I need his workers to like me. And it is not pretence, it is just restraint.

    I guess, as you get older, you realise that being liked is not nearly as important as being loved. And a person can’t love you if they don’t know you. As the years passed, I came to understand that a very few people genuinely knowing and loving me, warts and all, was much more fulfilling than hordes of acquaintances liking my public face.

    I very much like the person I have grown to know through your blog pages. I highly doubt I would lose that feeling if I knew the “real” Karyl. (I’d love to do so.) She seems pretty bloody OK to me. ๐Ÿ™‚

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