The Mind of Bluesleepy

Thinking some thoughts 18 February 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 11:26 am

It’s when I’m in the shower that I really get to thinking. What is it about the shower? Is it the time alone, away from the tv and the voices of my husband and child? Is it the hot water cascading over my head? Is it the steam that makes every one of my pores open up?

Whatever it is, it gets me thinking.

I started thinking about myself. Why is it that I over-analyze everything I say and do? Why do I need such reassurance that I am a good person? Why can’t I just take it as a given, that I have all of these wonderful friends, not just from my discussion group, but all of you wonderful people who read me every single day (or as often as you can), that if I wasn’t a good person, y’all wouldn’t bother? I’m so afraid of turning into a certain member of my biological family, someone I find to be very self-oriented and self-serving, who would never do something for someone unless there was something in it for her. Someone who makes you feel guilty until you give in and do it because it’s just easier that way. Someone who has managed to drive me and lots of others away from her, making her quite the lonely person. I don’t want to be like her. I want people to think of me as someone who’s willing to help when necessary, simply because it’s needed. I want to be the person who can cheer others up when they’re feeling down, to be a shoulder when someone needs to cry. I have always wanted to be a giver, not a taker.

And then my thoughts turned even further inward. And I started thinking about this baby. I don’t normally think of the baby; it’s just something I remember every so often when I lay the wrong way or when I get a twinge of queasiness every so often. I’m so lucky that it’s just a twinge here and there; I’ve escaped the morning sickness both times now. But I began to wonder: is it a girl? Is it a boy? What will s/he look like? Grace is such a mini-me; will this baby favor Kurt? Will s/he be as good a baby as Gracie was, or am I in for long nights with a colicky baby? Will s/he be as well-behaved as Grace is as a toddler? Have I run out of parenting energy with raising Grace, and now I’ll just be a lazy parent with this one?

I started looking at my body in the shower, wondering if I’m showing already. I generally have a gut that resulted from my last pregnancy, and I haven’t been eating as healthy as I normally do. I’ve put on a good ten pounds since Kurt got home in June, and while I’m starting lighter than when I was pregnant with Grace, I am still technically obese. Being a chubby person my entire life, I never fretted about looking “gross” or “distended” when pregnant. I think I looked pretty darn cute! I want to show with this baby so badly; I want everyone to know I am pregnant. I see a bit of a baby bump, but it could just be my normal chubbiness making my belly protrude. I tried on my new maternity skirt last night, and while my bump is still too small to hold up the waistline, it really looked like I was pregnant. I can no longer wear my normal low-waisted jeans; they cut into me right below the belly button and make my chubbiness simply explode over the waistband. Instead I’m in high-waisted jeans, which are far more comfortable and make me feel more confident in my appearance.

And then I began to wonder, two kids. Wow. Can I really make it with two kids? This school of Grace’s, while very reasonably priced for a preschool, still isn’t cheap. I don’t work and Kurt doesn’t make all that much money. If the same thing happens with this baby, if I don’t end up with any milk, then I’ll be paying for formula as well. Getting both kids ready to take Grace to school. Having far less time to do what I want to do or need to do. Can it really all get done?

Then my thoughts slowly turned from myself to the rest of the world. Kurt had mentioned that another country had been formed, that a small nation had finally decided to break away from its parent country and attempt to go it on its own. And I could only just imagine the jubilation the people in Kosovo must feel to finally be separate from the nation that persecuted its main ethnic group for so long. I’m not so very old, but my father had us watching ABC Nightly News with Peter Jennings every night as kids, and I remember the atrocities that Milosevic perpetrated on the ethnic Albanians. My mother spoke of him so bitterly, as she does with any leader who engages in genocide. How exciting it must be for the ethnic Albanians to finally have their own country and their own religion, so different from the Serbians who were technically their masters.

The Kosovars have a long row to hoe before they are truly free, but I almost want to be there, to feel the spirit of independence swelling up in each and every member of that country, to know what it was like for America’s forefathers to break away from what they felt was an unfair government and to form a new nation out of thirteen colonies. It was because of them that my ancestors were able to escape the pogroms in Lithuania, the Russians coming after the Jews, chasing them out of the country simply because they had a different religion. Because they were different. Because they had a different language, they had different names, they had a different religion, they probably even looked different. They escaped to the US to give their descendants a better life, free from religious and ethnic persecution.

And here I am, a hundred years later, free from any kind of persecution, free from worry, free from concern over how to feed my family, how to clothe my children, how to send them to school to get an education. I am free. A wonderful gift from my ancestors, and one I hope the Kosovars will be able to pass along to their descendants.

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17 Responses to “Thinking some thoughts”

  1. michele Says:

    wow. that was quite powerful.

    i find it interesting that *you* need reassurance about yourself. you have WAY more friends that i do (even if most of them are online through your groups) and have lots and lots of comments on your diary/blog as well as your flickr pics. ironically, i feel exactly how you feel. and, not only that but often i feel like the person i “need” to prove myself most to (and seek reassurance from) is you.

    it may be challenging with the new baby when s/he (it’d better be a she! LOL!) arrives, but you’re also very creative and resourceful and i think you’ll pull it all together. besides, now that you’ve had Gracie around for so long you’re better equipped at what to do and what not to do and what you want to do differently (if anything). besides, it’s also going to help that Gracie is a little older..she can definitely occupy the baby when you need 5 min to yourself. i remember that i used to LOVE holding you, feeding you, pushing you super-duper fast in your crank-up swing…LOL… and so on.

    take a deeeeeeep breath in… exhale slowly…. everythin’ is gonna be alright! (Bob Marley even says so!)

    XOXOXOX

  2. chaosdaily Says:

    im sure you will handle both kids as you handle gracie… you are a good mother, and a good friend! and yeah, the shower does make me think, too… i think it’s the sound of the water, and the fact that you’re alone.

  3. MilitaryMom Says:

    When I was pregnant with my second and third kids, I used to worry that I wouldn’t love my new kid as much as I loved the one, or ones, I already had. I also worried that I just wouldn’t have the strength or energy to keep up with them. But you know what? I did, and you will too. God never gives us more than we can handle. And for the record, I know you’re a good person, and we have never met. What does that tell ya? I wouldn’t drop by here every single day, hoping for just a few more words from you, if you weren’t.
    About Kosovo, I am happy for the people there too. But I ALWAYS worry when something like this happens, what it might mean for the US military. I’m sure Kurt does too. Nothing happens in this world that doesn’t affect us in some small way, and I just hope that they can get it together over there without our help this time. Last time wasn’t pretty.

  4. Catie Says:

    Listy time:

    1. Everything we do in the shower is automatic. We don’t have to give it a single thought, so it allows our mind to wander. I’m constantly having revelations in the shower. I love it.

    2. Part of your insecurity it just where you are in your life. The 20’s are some hard years (in my experience) and even though you are a responsible adult, you’re still figuring yourself out and that gets better in your 30’s.

    3. Karyl- it’s not so much that you are a “good” person, although you really are- what you are is a loving and sincere person. But here’s the key, it doesn’t matter that I know it or that anyone else knows it, you just need to believe it yourself. Because with or without friends you are who you are. Nothing changes that.

  5. whatdayisit Says:

    That was one very long shower….LOL! I do my best thinking in the shower too. I guess it is because you are truly alone and have time to just let your mind wander. I think you must be a wonderful woman. You seem so caring and so concerned about others and so resourceful. I am sure you will be an awesome mother of two. Lucky babies that they are!
    Give yourself credit for what you have accompiished…you are not the person in your family that you don’t want to be….you are unique and special.
    Ooops, I also put a comment on yesterday’s blog in error. My bad!

  6. Yankeechick Says:

    It always surprises me that you need reassurance! You’re so awesome! kind and giving and nurturing and compassionate! All that great stuff that you have to offer! Understanding, advice, concern, encouragement and support and never ending hugs!! I often wish I could be more like you and it’s hard for me to fathom that you have any insecurities! Having said that, it makes sense that you do considering your family history, but I think that all of that has made you the terrific woman and mom and friend that you are!!

  7. Poolie Says:

    You are a fantastic mother. I understand your feelings, but they are just feelings. You will do GREAT!

  8. Kym Says:

    What a very indepth blog? I found it rather interesting…in a good way. I use to read the interesting blogs of my stepson but I no longer have access to his myspace page, so now I look forward to your blogs. They are so insightful and interesting.

  9. Kym Says:

    P.S. I thought of something after I commented — I wish I could sit and write such wonderful blogs and write about all the things that go on in my ‘wonderful little head’, but when I sit down and type, I get nothing.

  10. Shear Says:

    Oh Blue! Hon, I don’t know a woman alive who hasn’t had those thoughts. You’re a great mom and wife. You’ll be fine. As for buying the baby formula, if Kurt doesn’t make a bundle, look into WIC.

  11. sleepyjane Says:

    This was a beautiful post Blue. You know, just the fact that you’re asking yourself if you’re a good person and a compassionate person – is the answer already. You are a wonderful person and it shines through your blog.

    I think that you have enough left to give to another baby. And I’m absolutely sure that you will be a wonder mother to this child too!

  12. Chelle Says:

    I don’t think you have anything to worry about! You are wonderful and beautiful and that is why people are drawn to you. You put yourself out there and are very giving toward others. Plus, you are a Janet, so you are loved whether you want to be or not!

    Love,

    Chelle

  13. karmacat Says:

    That was some shower! I do a lot of thinking in the shower, too, and wish I had some kind of waterproof pen/paper to jot things down. I believe everyone has self-doubts from time to time. Like you, I get validation in the form of my amazing friends. I think your maternal concerns are perfectly normal; it shows you care, and it’s caring that makes things work out.

  14. Aimee Says:

    Just like you adjusted to Grace, you will adjust to the new baby and wonder what you did with your time before he/she came along. For me, baby #2 was easier than #1. I feared everything with B and with G we sort f just rolled with the punches. I got him out of the house quicker and easier than I did B. I bundled him up and got him in the car in no time and got B to school each and every morning no problem at all. Money was an issue but we always figure things out and learn how to make things work. It will be fine.
    As far as the shower…it is a known fact for whatever reason, that people get their best ideas in the shower. Maybe it’s the quiet time or the hot water or perhaps it’s simply that our minds are quiet and free to roam. I’m not sure.

  15. Caroline Says:

    I don’t have an in depth comment for you but I just wanted to say that I love you and understand what you’re saying. I think everyone goes through this period in their life. I’m with Catie on this one!

  16. becca Says:

    Everyone else has said what I wanted to say. YOU CAN DO IT! 🙂 I also find the shower is where I think most, it is the one place you can guarantee not to be disturbed. x

  17. clairec23 Says:

    Everyone needs to be reassured sometimes. I was desperate to show off my pregnant belly by the way! Like MilitaryMom, I was terrified that I wouldn’t love the second baby as much as the first, I couldn’t imagine how that would be possible but it was. It isn’t that you share your energy or love but rather that you have a new supply for the new member of the family.

    I’m lazier with her but that happens because you realize that most of the things you were anal and uptight about with your first were really not necessary and you are much more comfortable and secure in the knowledge that you’ve done all of this before – no biggie!

    As for money, things may be a little tighter but the second child never costs as much as the first. You know exactly what you need second time around and are much more capable of spreading the funds to accommodate a fourth person in the household. While you are pregnant you are going to worry, it’s only natural but when the time comes, it won’t be a huge transition for you.


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