No, I’m not actually sick. I’m just… bummed out. Again. Maybe it’s the baby, maybe it’s the weather. I don’t know.
But I was watching Dr Phil yesterday (I know, I know, most folks don’t like him), an episode I had on my DVR, and he started talking about people who had been verbally and emotionally abused. He had this whole checklist of how people feel when they’ve been verbally and emotionally abused, and as he ran down the list, I kept saying, “Yep, yep, yep, yep…”
It’s not Kurt who’s the issue here, never fear. Though he does annoy me to no end because most of the time I feel as though he doesn’t listen to me. But he’s rarely hurtful when he talks to me. He has to be really stinkin’ mad at me to say something mean, and by that time I’m already being mean to him, so it comes out even.
I wasn’t raised in a very happy home. Most everything I did was cause for criticism. Any time I had problems with the kids at school, I was told I probably caused it. There was no kind of support for me, no one taking me seriously, no one trying to help me out and fix what was going on. And every time my father got angry at me, I was told I provoked him.
Maybe that’s where most of my self-doubt comes in. Most of the time I am pretty good at realizing that what happened when I was a kid was a load of crap, and I tend to feel pretty good about myself most days. But every so often, I get walloped upside the head by waves of misery and self-doubt, and then all these feelings come to the fore again.
But you know, it’s a process, and I have to keep working at it. I have shut off the self-critical tape that runs on a never-ending loop in my head. And I think I will get there. The more I work on it, the more I realize that I can beat it, the easier it will get. That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it.
Today I made the yummiest egg salad for lunch!! I have given up on the whole theory of “heat the eggs in water until it boils, then shut off the heat and let stand for X number of minutes.” It just doesn’t work for me. I don’t know why. Maybe I give off a weird vibe or something. So I am going back to the tried and true method of heating the eggs in water till it boils, then simmer very gently for 10 minutes.
Perfect eggs for me, every time.
But I did steal a page out of Miss CatieCake’s book and used my box grater to grate the eggs once they were cooked. It was actually far easier than using my egg slicer, and there was less clean-up as well. SCORE!
I added a couple of spoonfuls of mayonnaise (full-fat, none of that fake stuff for me because it tastes nasty to me) along with a spoonful of Grey Poupon Harvest Coarse Ground mustard, Kurt’s absolute favorite mustard in all the world. I was concerned it would be too strong, but it made the egg salad look really neat with the whole mustard seeds scattered throughout. Then the egg salad needed a wee bit more salt, but I rarely use plain salt in egg salad. I couldn’t find my seasoned salt (and come to think of it, I doubt we have any in the house; I’m not a fan of it), and I felt Old Bay would taste funky. The next thing I found in my overloaded spice cabinet was adobo seasoning. Perfect!! A couple of shakes of adobo seasoning, and the egg salad was done. And boy, was it delicious on toasted whole-wheat potato bread.
My mouth is watering just thinking about it. I might have to have another sandwich as a mid-afternoon snack!
Grace thoroughly enjoyed her day at preschool yesterday. I am so grateful that a half-day means a serious half-day at this preschool; like CardioGirl mentioned, a lot of half-day preschools are really just a couple or three hours long. But Grace’s preschool is also a day-care facility, though the emphasis is still on learning. And it’s mainly the younger kids (below preschool) that are there for daycare. There isn’t just preschool there; there is also pre-kindergarten and full-day kindergarten as an option for kids whose school districts only do half-day kindergarten. But I could also have her in her preschool class all day long, from 7am to 5pm, if I needed it. I think at the moment Grace is the only kid in her class that is only there for a half-day.
When I went to pick her up yesterday, her teacher told me she was really surprised at how well Grace had done. She jumped right in with both feet, and acted like being in school was old hat to her! I asked her what she did all day, and she was most excited by playing outside for a while with all the other children and by eating lunch. She hasn’t gotten much interaction with other children since we moved here, so I was surprised she got along so well.
The first thing she said this morning, though, was, “Can I go to school today, Mom?” Unfortunately it will be next Monday before she can go again, and then she’ll be going to school on both Mondays and Fridays. Two whole half-days to myself. HEAVEN!
All this right before I give birth to another baby, but at least I have Grace in something that will occupy her so she won’t be as upset that a baby has taken away most of Mommy’s attention. That’s my hope, anyhow.