The Mind of Bluesleepy

Under the weather 26 February 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 1:46 pm

No, I’m not actually sick.  I’m just… bummed out.  Again.  Maybe it’s the baby, maybe it’s the weather.  I don’t know.

But I was watching Dr Phil yesterday (I know, I know, most folks don’t like him), an episode I had on my DVR, and he started talking about people who had been verbally and emotionally abused.  He had this whole checklist of how people feel when they’ve been verbally and emotionally abused, and as he ran down the list, I kept saying, “Yep, yep, yep, yep…”

It’s not Kurt who’s the issue here, never fear.  Though he does annoy me to no end because most of the time I feel as though he doesn’t listen to me.  But he’s rarely hurtful when he talks to me.  He has to be really stinkin’ mad at me to say something mean, and by that time I’m already being mean to him, so it comes out even.

I wasn’t raised in a very happy home.  Most everything I did was cause for criticism.  Any time I had problems with the kids at school, I was told I probably caused it.  There was no kind of support for me, no one taking me seriously, no one trying to help me out and fix what was going on.  And every time my father got angry at me, I was told I provoked him.

Maybe that’s where most of my self-doubt comes in.  Most of the time I am pretty good at realizing that what happened when I was a kid was a load of crap, and I tend to feel pretty good about myself most days.  But every so often, I get walloped upside the head by waves of misery and self-doubt, and then all these feelings come to the fore again.

But you know, it’s a process, and I have to keep working at it.  I have shut off the self-critical tape that runs on a never-ending loop in my head.   And I think I will get there.  The more I work on it, the more I realize that I can beat it, the easier it will get.  That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it.


Today I made the yummiest egg salad for lunch!!  I have given up on the whole theory of “heat the eggs in water until it boils, then shut off the heat and let stand for X number of minutes.”  It just doesn’t work for me.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I give off a weird vibe or something.  So I am going back to the tried and true method of heating the eggs in water till it boils, then simmer very gently for 10 minutes.

Perfect eggs for me, every time.

But I did steal a page out of Miss CatieCake’s book and used my box grater to grate the eggs once they were cooked.  It was actually far easier than using my egg slicer, and there was less clean-up as well.  SCORE!

I added a couple of spoonfuls of mayonnaise (full-fat, none of that fake stuff for me because it tastes nasty to me) along with a spoonful of Grey Poupon Harvest Coarse Ground mustard, Kurt’s absolute favorite mustard in all the world.  I was concerned it would be too strong, but it made the egg salad look really neat with the whole mustard seeds scattered throughout.  Then the egg salad needed a wee bit more salt, but I rarely use plain salt in egg salad.  I couldn’t find my seasoned salt (and come to think of it, I doubt we have any in the house; I’m not a fan of it), and I felt Old Bay would taste funky.  The next thing I found in my overloaded spice cabinet was adobo seasoning.  Perfect!!  A couple of shakes of adobo seasoning, and the egg salad was done.  And boy, was it delicious on toasted whole-wheat potato bread.

My mouth is watering just thinking about it.  I might have to have another sandwich as a mid-afternoon snack!

Grace thoroughly enjoyed her day at preschool yesterday.  I am so grateful that a half-day means a serious half-day at this preschool; like CardioGirl mentioned, a lot of half-day preschools are really just a couple or three hours long.  But Grace’s preschool is also a day-care facility, though the emphasis is still on learning.  And it’s mainly the younger kids (below preschool) that are there for daycare.  There isn’t just preschool there; there is also pre-kindergarten and full-day kindergarten as an option for kids whose school districts only do half-day kindergarten.  But I could also have her in her preschool class all day long, from 7am to 5pm, if I needed it.  I think at the moment Grace is the only kid in her class that is only there for a half-day.

When I went to pick her up yesterday, her teacher told me she was really surprised at how well Grace had done.  She jumped right in with both feet, and acted like being in school was old hat to her!  I asked her what she did all day, and she was most excited by playing outside for a while with all the other children and by eating lunch.  She hasn’t gotten much interaction with other children since we moved here, so I was surprised she got along so well.

The first thing she said this morning, though, was, “Can I go to school today, Mom?”  Unfortunately it will be next Monday before she can go again, and then she’ll be going to school on both Mondays and Fridays.  Two whole half-days to myself.  HEAVEN!

All this right before I give birth to another baby, but at least I have Grace in something that will occupy her so she won’t be as upset that a baby has taken away most of Mommy’s attention.  That’s my hope, anyhow.


13 Responses to “Under the weather”

  1. Chelle Says:

    You know, I have the same problem sometimes…second-guessing myself and feeling like I’m a failure before I even try. I think mine comes from feeling rejected by my father growing up, though feeling that badly about myself usually emboldens me to work through it. It might come from being a highly perceptive person, too, because I know you are always thinking of others and you are always trying to brighten the lives of other people around you. Just don’t forget that you are not alone and that those types of feelings come in waves and usually pass pretty quickly.

    Anyhoo, I am so glad that Grace did as well as she did on her first day of preschool. What are you going to start doing for YOU on those mornings she is gone?

  2. chaosdaily Says:

    At work, I chop my eggs with an apple corer.. it leaves it chunkier, and goes really quick. I add celery and red onion, mayo and mustard.. totally yummy! At home, I make it with mayo and yellow mustard, and pickle relish.

  3. yankeechick Says:

    I’m so glad school went well for Grace! That’s just the perfect way to start on their ‘social skills’ and some ‘me time’ for Mom!! Your egg salad sounds yummy. My Mom used to chop green olives and put in hers…..GAG!!!

  4. art Says:

    i added tuna fish to mine, once i remembered that i actually had eggs boiling inna pot!!! hahaha!!!

  5. twobecameone Says:

    That’s cool that Grace loved school so much. ;o)

    It’s also very cool that your egg salad came out just the way you like it. I’m not a fan of egg salad but that does sound yummy just reading about it. Maybe I’ll have to make it for Jack sometime or a party we have or something.

  6. Violet Says:

    Please to send one egg salad sandwich immediately. To me. Thank you.


  7. hissandtell Says:

    Have you ever read Sue Grafton’s Alphabet series books? Her heroine, Kinsey Millhone, makes herself egg salad sandwiches with mayo all the time — they’re practically her staple diet. And my mouth was watering just as much reading your recipe as it does when I read hers. (And next thing, missy, you’ll be getting yourself a PI licence and solving mysteries!) Love, R xxx

  8. sleepyjane Says:

    Oh Blue. I know what you mean. When I was younger, there was always this: you’re the child – you know nothing’ mentality in our house. My parents never attended any school activities. They never encourgaged me to do any extra curricular activities. They were almost never home. As you know my dad was abusive when I was younger. We’d cower in our rooms when we knew he had a few drinks. I’m still afraid to be around him when he drinks.

    it’s so sad that parents inflict this on their children – and it never goes away. It gets better sure. But it never completely dissapears.

    I’m sorry that it’s getting you down. Emotional abuse is just as bad a physical abuse. It breaks your mind. But I see that you’re a strong woman and you love your family very much.

    I’m also very happy that Grace had a great first day! 🙂

    That egg salad sounds oh so yummy!

  9. Shear Says:

    (((((hugs))))) <—- That there is a great big Mississippi hug because I need you to hug yourself and then hug little Gracie and Kurt. I adore you all so much.

  10. michele Says:

    well at least you know i’m telling the truth when i say that i can COMPLETELY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, 100% understand what you’re saying about your self-worth and so forth. and, yes you can overcome it especially because you have a hubby who validates you most of the time with compliments and so forth.

    it’s interesting that you and i make our egg salad very similarly. hmmm… i also use mustard in mine, too and usually a spicy or ground mustard. Tastefully Simple had this AWESOME mustard that sounds a lot like the one you used but they discontinued the product. (bah humbug on them!)

    so glad that Gracie had a fun day at school. and, it’s great that she actually wants to go for more! yay!!

  11. Aimee Says:

    Awesome for Grace (and you.) It’s so much easier to leave little ones when you know they’re happy and having a good time.
    I’m sorry that you grew up like that. I grew up in an unhappy home too. The only thing I can do to fix things is to try and do a better job for my kids. I also try to forgive and move forward. As long as I keep in mind that nobody meant to hurt me, and it was their own weakness and flaws that did it, I can forgive.

  12. cardiogirl Says:

    I have to admit I’m not a huge fan of egg salad, but the addition of that mustard sounds pretty damn tasty. Add some tomatoes and now we’re talkin’.

    Do you find you get tired of bread for sandwiches or is that just me? I have to shake it up with tortillas, croissants, hoagie rolls, etc. Bread just doesn’t do it for day in and day out.

    So I just bought hoagie rolls today and ding a hundred, baby. That was a solid purchase. And the thought of your egg salad on my hoagie rolls is tasty indeed. Thanks for the idea!

  13. whatdayisit Says:

    I think I need to boil some eggs right now! I love egg salad and your recipe sounds very similar to mine.
    Glad Gracie had such a good day at half-day school. I bet she will be surprising you with all she learns in such a short time.
    I can understand your blue feelings…I think we all have them from time to time. I was feeling bad last year after I retired because I felt like I had no value or identity once I left my job. I am getting over it and enjoying my free time now. I still stay in the house too much because I am trying not to spend money!
    You do have a lot going for you, wonderful cook, mother and wife, enthused about life, interested in so many things, great photographer, you have creative skills. Pat yourself on the back today, you deserve it.

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