The Mind of Bluesleepy

Same old garbage, different day 15 May 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 10:03 pm

You know, I have had a rotten day.  And up to now, I couldn’t have told you what exactly was wrong.  It’s just one of those days.  Most people would just chalk it up to the hormones of pregnancy, but I know that excuse doesn’t fly in this house.

And now Kurt and I have gotten into a fight, and all I want to do is throw the towel in.

I thought adulthood was supposed to be easier.  I thought things weren’t supposed to bother adults as much.

Honestly, I am sick to death of being 29.  I have loads of friends that are older than me, and once they hit their 30s or their 40s, they are so much more confident in themselves.  They know they’re good people, and they couldn’t care less if someone doesn’t agree.

It’s just so hard for me.  I feel as though I’m the scapegoat for all situations, that I’m the cause of all problems.  People wonder why I’m so sensitive, and it’s a result of a lifetime of being at fault for everything.  Some not-very-nice things happened to me when I was a kid, and at the time I was always told, “Well, if you were a better kid, if you didn’t do X, we wouldn’t have done that to you.”  It’s a horrible way to live, a terrible way to grow up.

Now I’m expected to just get over it.  It’s fine.  No worries.

Yeah, right.

For the record, I am trying.  I do recognize that I’m not at fault for everything.  Sure, I do have faults, and I do screw up.  I’ll be the first to admit that.  I’ve got a hot temper, and when I think something is unfair I’ll let you know about it.  Sometimes I probably carry things too far.  I ain’t perfect.  But it would be nice if there was a shared burden of blame.  I know I can only control myself.  I know I should just remove myself from the situation.  I know I can only change myself.  But dammit, it’s so frustrating, even still.

God, now I feel like I’ve turned this into a high-schooler’s journal.

And then I think, where the hell do I get off feeling this way?  My kid’s healthy, this pregnancy is going just fine, my husband has a good job, we haven’t got money issues… I look around see people who can’t put food on their tables.  I see families ripped apart by addiction or abuse.  I see people with severely handicapped children, where taking care of them is a full-time job.  So where the hell do I get off feeling like I’m invisible?  Does it really matter, since I have all these other blessings?

But I still feel as though I’m totally replaceable.  If God snapped His fingers and I disappeared, to be replaced by another woman in my shoes, would anyone really notice?  When I’m in a mood like this, I don’t think anyone would.

I try to be one of those obnoxiously optimistic people.  I see a beautiful tree and I point it out.  I notice how lovely the warm breeze feels again my skin, I tilt my head up to soak up the sun’s gentle rays.  My breath is taken away by the gorgeousness of the sunset.  I hear colors in the morning, the loudspeaker on base playing the national anthem, and I’m thankful to live in the US.  I don’t want to be a mother who’s mired in depression.  I want to be the fun mom, the mom who laughs all the time, the mom who chases her kids, laughing and giggling, around the house just because.

I don’t know.  I wish I didn’t feel like this.  All I know is right now, I would love to hitch a ride with Chaos across country.  No, it’s not the responsible thing for me to do, but dammit it would be fun.

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13 Responses to “Same old garbage, different day”

  1. Caroline Says:

    o0o0o0o0o0o Can I come across country too? And, trust me, 29 isn’t much different than 30, maybe mid 30’s we’ll find ourselves and be all self assured and crap. 🙂

  2. shipjumper Says:

    Awwww buddy, hang in there hon. It’s great you can be honest with your feelings because really, they are not that different I am SURE from MOST people at some point or another. Most just are afraid to admit it. You are beautiful and strong….even when you are feeling weak. And yes, I would miss you….nobody would look the same or be the same in your collection of shoes!!

  3. art Says:

    i wish i was 29 again!! im sure after a good nights sleep you will be ok!!! (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

  4. Rosie Says:

    I think that at 48, sometimes being too tired to fight is mistaken for being too mature to fight! Greg and I used to fight about everything and anything, and the neighbors would hear us for blocks around. Nowadays, I can honestly say that in over two years with Josh, I never got into a fight, never screamed, and yet, for all of that, it still made no difference in what happened.

    Stand your ground, but learn how to pick your battles. Never say anything that you will regret, and never point out hurtful things about your partner. Most of all, when you are right in an argument, apologize. Trust me, it works.

  5. Blue Opal Says:

    I’ve got news for you. In my 20’s I wanted to die. Literally so. Depression is a common fact of life, regardless of your circumstances. Throw in pregnancy with a toddler already in the house and man – talk about a lethal emotional cocktail!

    Cut yourself some slack. You’ll have days that are wonderful and days you want to curl up in a ball in a corner and whimper. Today was just one day – tomorrow morning you’ll wake to a new day. Hopefully a better one *Hugs*

  6. sleepyjane Says:

    I’m really sorry that you had a bad day Blue. Let me just validate that you are entitle to have ‘off’ days. Despite the fact that you’re blessed, you’re not a perfect person and some days you just don’t want to be all chirpy and happy. And that’s okay too.

    I agree with shipjumper. No one would replace you, no one would wear your shoes the same as you. I would miss you! You’re a great mom and wife and I just want you to know that.

    I hope you have a GREAT day tomorrow…er….today.

    **HUGS**

  7. purple chai Says:

    You are okay. Yes, there are bad days, so we let that go. I used to call these my “low-self-esteem” days. What made them go away was going to therapy, which is not a magic cure-all, but which gave me a better long-term understanding of myself, and the confidence to let some things go forever.

    Don’t try to be “obnoxiously optimistic” for other people. Just be you. That’s what you need, and what other people really want anyway.

  8. Aimee Says:

    You know all of us feel that way at times. You’re in a funk. Hormones might be making it a bit worse…but no, not just hormones.
    Yes, people would realize you were gone. People would miss you. People would want you back. You are full of worth. And you are totally allowed to have a bad mood and write about it here, even if people are starving somewhere. One big thing I learned is not to belittle my own emotions. I’m having them and I’m entitled to have them. So are you, even if you are lucky in many aspects you are entitled to feel sad, blue, unhappy, whatever.
    Hugs and I hope tomorrow is a better day.

  9. English Mum Says:

    Hey. I arrived via Sleepy Jane. Sorry to hear you’re feeling low but believe me, you’re the most pivotal person in your family. They all depend on you the mostest! Oh, and be kind to yourself, just because there’s nothing catastrophic happening doesn’t mean you have to be all shiny and happy all the time. I think Rosie’s right – I’m 38 and maybe I’m just more serene and happy ‘cos I can’t be arsed to get crabby any more!!! Chin up xx

  10. whatdayisit Says:

    Let me tell you that being 29 or 63…it doesn’t matter. We ALL have days like that. I used to call them my ‘fat and ugly” days.
    You are a human being, you are not perfect. You will have days like this. The good thing is you are aware of it and you do find joyful moments in the sunset or your daughter’s laughter. Keep on enjoying those moments, allow yourself to have a “me” day when you do what you need to do. Ask Kurt to take Gracie out alone on occasion so you can take a nap or do something for yourself. As for your childhood…none of us deserved to be mistreated and most of us did have something significant happen to us that was wrong but….don’t let “them” win. You are not a child now, you are grown, you have your own family and you have a stable life. Try to put the past and the ugly negativity behind you. You are an intelligent and interesting, loving, creative, full of life woman now.
    Sorry for the lecture…it’s the same one I give myself every few days. Right now, my husband just suddenly put in for retirement in 2 weeks….we barely discussed it and it is a done deal. I know we will be ok but it is scary too so I am having my “what if” moments too.

  11. chaosdaily Says:

    Yeah, we all have those days. I know that’s not much help… can you get a different therapist, or see your current one by yourself? Otherwise, I’m sure there’s still room in the truck for an extra person!

  12. Michele Says:

    since we happen to share DNA, i don’t believe this is related to pregnancy hormones because you go through this even when you’re not pregnant (as do i). i know you can’t take any meds until after you’re done breastfeeding, but you may want to consider what i mentioned to you a few months ago. i’ll email you…..

    and i know EXACTLY how you feel. i do. i swear. the only difference is that i feel even LESS important because I don’t have a child and i’m not pregnant with a second. at least you have some importance in this world just by being a mother.

    Love you!

  13. Michele Says:

    ps— i’m in my 30s and i’m STILL not 100% sure of myself. i doubt myself and my selfworth ALL.THE.TIME.


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