The Mind of Bluesleepy

Movin’ on up 27 March 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 10:48 pm

Another lunch date today.  Don’t worry — this isn’t lasting long.  Restaurant Week is almost over, and I’ve spent quite enough in just these two lunches.  But it’s worth it.  Yesterday it was the experience of going to a swanky restaurant I wouldn’t go to normally, today it was just delicious food and wonderful conversation with a good friend.  Neither of us could decide what we wanted, so we opted to each get a different entree and just split them down the middle.  Which is how I ended up with both an amazing burger served on a bolo levedo, as well as an oyster po’boy.  A bolo levedo, if you didn’t know, is the Portuguese version of an English muffin, except made with a sweet dough.  It’s the perfect foil to salty and savory sandwiches.  My favorite thing to get at my local diner is a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on a bolo levedo.  Yum!

In keeping with my aim of dressing more nicely, especially knowing that my friend is a Very Sharp Dresser, I wore my dark rinse blue jeans, my red fancy shirt with the white polka dots and the puffed sleeves, and a white tank underneath.  On my feet were my awesome gold velvet flats with the bling.  I thought I looked rather stylin’, till my friend showed up.  She was wearing a skirt with knee-high boots and looked amazing.  But then she always does.  If I could borrow a sense of style, I think I would steal hers.  She always looks amazing, and only wears things that really flatter her.

You know, I think I try too hard with people, honestly.  I’m trying to step back a bit and let them come to me, instead of me always bugging them.  But I know how I feel when I don’t hear from someone, and I don’t want to cause that person the same feeling.  At the same time, when I don’t try to initiate things, nothing ever happens.  It’s a delicate balance, and one I am trying to cultivate.

It’s a difficult thing, though.  I’m not very good at interpersonal relationships.  My parents are kind of loners, which isn’t a bad thing.  It’s just the way they are.  And while I am somewhat the same way and perfectly content to spend most of my time on my own, I can also crave some sort of social life.  I don’t need one, but I enjoy knowing that it’s there if I just reach out a bit.

When I first moved here, we were only one of four families on the street.  There are now twice that, and I’m friends with almost all the new people on the block.  But the folks I knew beforehand, they were hard to read.  Ms Cheez-It, who made us feel really welcome when we first moved in, has quietly absented herself from just about all interaction with me.  I saw her a month or two ago, waiting on the maintenance people, so I figured I’d stop by and say hi.  We had a lovely little chat in which I suggested getting together for another pizza night, but I never did hear from her.  I used to stop by and say hi at the cafe where she works, but after a while it felt like a one-sided relationship.

The last thing I want to do is force myself on somebody.  I feel it happening sometimes, so I try to let them go.  It’s just not a skill I have, I don’t think, knowing when to keep going and when to let go.

There should be a class one can take, a class on how to make and develop friendships and the proper way to maintain them.

Or maybe I should just realize that if it’s this much work to maintain a friendship, that it’s not worth keeping it up.  Friendships should be easy to maintain and develop, not a lot of work.  Most of the friends I have, we may not talk every day or email every week, even, but when we see each other, even after an absence of months or even years, it’s like we saw each other just yesterday.  That’s the sort of friendship that I enjoy, one that’s easy to develop and maintain, one that just happens naturally.

I think I need to realize that I shouldn’t have a million friends.  I am somewhat of a loner, and I’d rather have a small circle of really good friends than a huge group of acquaintances.  And I need to realize that not everyone will even want to be my friend.  I so want to please people and have people like me, but it just isn’t possible.

I guess that’s just part of getting older and maturing, figuring all this hard stuff out.  Eventually I’ll get there.  It just takes me longer than everyone else.

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6 Responses to “Movin’ on up”

  1. beanie Says:

    It would be hard to have a class on making and developing friends… everyone is different, and just don’t always fit into a general category. I know what you mean though…..

  2. becca Says:

    I think you are right. We don’t have to have a million friends. The way I see it is those who are most worthy of being friends take the least effort. You accept them as them and most importantly they accept you as YOU. Maybe I’m just being a little naive but if you have to “try” to be friends or do all the work to try and retain a friendship, then it’s too much of an uphill struggle.

  3. kitchenlogic Says:

    When you get this figured out, let me know the secrets, okay?

    I kid. It took me a while to get to where I am with my feelings about friendship and my being kind of needy. I am an extreme extrovert who needed lots of friends who has now grown into a happy extrovert who only needs good friends. Man, I went through alot of bad friendships.

    It just doesn’t seem to be an issue with me anymore and I hope the same happy friendship place for you.

    Know this: Friendships work when the chemistry is right. If they don’t work and you have to do all of the heavy lifting, the chemistry just doesn’t mix. Relax and it all falls into place. When I quit being the Queen of Initiation, the true friendships shined through.

    Your Internet Friend,

    K.Lo.

  4. yankeechick Says:

    Chuck is the type to have a HUGE circle of acquaintances that he calls ‘friends’ and I am the loner type. I think you are right. It shouldn’t be hard work to maintain a friendship. People either “click” or they don’t. Now that I am working with such a large number of people from such diverse backgrounds, it’s really been interesting to see which “friendships” truly develop and which ones are just totally casual. It’s an ever changing thing, Blue, as I think you have experienced in the different areas you have lived. Things have sure been different for you there in RI, and it’s all been pretty much a good thing! But, yea, bottom line….the friendship thing can leave you scratching your head sometimes.

  5. terri t. Says:

    Ii think you HAVE already figured it out. True friends are the ones who you feel close with even if it has been months since you last were together or talked. Those other people are casual acquaintances….like Ms. Cheez-it. And sometimes people withdraw and just aren’t into being friendly…..
    I think you have a huge number of people who like spending time with you. Moving as often as you do makes it hard to keep friends but it must have helped you learn how to reach out too.
    I have a few friends and probably 2 or 3 that I would drop almost anything else to spend time with.

  6. Wendy Says:

    Oy, oy, oy, it’s so hard, isn’t it? I’m finally 30 and still not figuring it out. First I held back, and ended up not being as close as I could have been… then jumped in with both feet & got badly, badly burned by some super-evil women.

    I find that I have a much easier time with women who are 40+. They know who they are, so they aren’t trying out new personas or trying to figure it out anymore. They don’t have much to prove, since gravity has taken care of what time did not. And they’ve gotten comfortable in their own skin. For the most part. It helps me to be more like that, too.


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