The Mind of Bluesleepy

Push me pull me 9 July 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 8:38 pm

189: Dove on a wire

I’m watching the tribute to Billy Mays on Pitchmen.  I have to say, I am more upset about the death of Billy Mays than the death of Michael Jackson.  Jacko was a strange, confused, sad man who had taken himself out of the spotlight years ago, though there’s no question he was an amazing performer and musician who changed the face of music.  But Billy Mays was a man in his prime, at the top of his game, and cruelly taken away at the height of his life.  Every time I see the pallbearers lifting his coffin, with his son who looks so much like him, it gets me once again.  Watching this, I have a huge lump in my throat.

Anyhow.

This motherhood thing, I’m not sure I can do this.  I know it’s a little late to be having second thoughts, but I am at a loss.  If it’s not Grace acting up because I’m paying too much attention to Mary Ellen, it’s ME fussing about just about everything because she’s at that age.  The only time I get a little break is when they’re both asleep.  Even that is no guarantee.  Mary Ellen’s been waking up around 11pm almost every night, screaming her fool head off, and refusing to go back to sleep.  I’m assuming she’s teething, which means there is nothing I can do for her except dose her up on Tylenol when she becomes inconsolable.

Grace has been driving me up a wall.  Everyone who’s met her has praised me for the lovely, sweet child she’s turned out to be.  Honestly, I don’t know where that little girl has gone.  I know she’s probably having jealousy issues that have finally started to set in ten months after Mary Ellen was born.  But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

Last night Mary Ellen took her first steps.  She hauled herself to a standing position by holding onto Grace’s doll stroller, and she ended up walking a few steps across my friend’s living room while pushing the stroller.  I managed to catch it on video, but in the background, all you hear is Grace grunting and shouting because the focus is on Mary Ellen, and not on her.

All day long it’s nothing but “Watch this, Mommy!” or “Mommy, look at me!”  I do try.  I try to give her as much as my attention as possible because I know it’s hard to share when you’re using to having Mommy all to yourself.  Lately the instant I take my eyes off her, she does whatever it takes to get my attention once more — and if that’s negative attention, so be it.  But I have to cook, I have to change ME’s diaper, I have to take a shower!

It’s wearing me down.  It’s wearing me out.  Maybe it was a mistake to wait so long between children; maybe it would have been easier to have kids much closer together. That way Grace wouldn’t really remember what it was like to be an only child.  All she would know is life with her sister.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing this is probably just a phase, and knowing that by the time Kurt leaves again, Mary Ellen will be a much more independent child.  I won’t have to focus so wholly on her, and I can divide my time between them much more easily.

Thank God Kurt gets home tomorrow.  I need a break.

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5 Responses to “Push me pull me”

  1. beanie Says:

    When Kurt gets home, why don’t you plan a Grace and Karyl afternoon, and just do something fun with Grace without ME along? Maybe she just needs some MOM time… and if you make sure to do it at least once a week, that might help. You can show her on the calendar when its a Mom and Grace day….. so she knows when it’s coming and how long she will have to wait.

  2. poolagirl Says:

    Excellent idea, Beanie!

  3. purple chai Says:

    When she’s older, Grace won’t remember being an only child. She’ll know that she was one for a while, but she won’t remember it. If Robin asked why we wanted to have another baby, we would tell her that we always wanted two sisters, it was just her luck that she came first. (And Katie got to be an only child for awhile when Robin went to college.) But we would explain that the family we wanted was the two of them, not just a kid and then another kid.

    Another thing I would do, if I recall, was say things like “Oh, the baby’s going to wake up soon and I’m going to have to change her” as if it was a big task I had to do, and I wasn’t so happy about it either. And then maybe add “We all have to do some things because everybody in the family has to do certain jobs” or something like that, so Robin would see that I enjoyed spending time with her and it was being taken away from me, too, not by the baby, but by the things that have to be done: I had to give them food, keep them clean, etc. I always tried to explain what I was doing when I was doing it; if nothing else, all of my talking kept her her distracted from complaining about it for a few minutes.

  4. terri t. Says:

    it IS going to work out…..I am sure that Gracie is just feeling like ME is getting all the attention for now because ME is doing so many new things and people make a fuss about it. I think having a Gracie and Mommy project/date is a good one. You could make a chart on your whiteboard and remind her that she has to do certain things so you can take the time to go somewhere with her that is special. If she misbehaves…you can put a frown face on a chart but if she does good things, she earns smile faces and she needs so many smiles to get the treat.
    Probably you have been used to Kurt helping out since ME arrived so this seems much more difficult than you remember to keep a child occupied.
    and your question about the bed being messed up….I do think it is the cat….mine burrow under the comforter and mess it up often.

  5. YankeeChick Says:

    Oh, sweetheart! Big hugs to you, my friend!! It is a difficult time for sure, but you have some great suggestions here and it gives you something to work on. I’ll be thinking of you and wish there was something I could do to help! mwah!


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