I have been blogging for ten and a half years. I doubt I have any readers left from my early days, but if you read my archives from Diaryland, you can see that this blog has seen me through the last three semesters of college, as well as documented the early part of my relationship with Kurt. I was barely 21 when I started, a sweet young thing who had no idea what life had in store for her. Indeed, I had no idea where I wanted to go with my life. I had declared as a computer science major back when all companies cared about was whether you had a degree and a pulse, but by the time I graduated, the bubble had burst — and they wanted only “the best of the best of the best, SIR!” I muddled through, found a job completely unrelated to my degree which I loved, married Kurt not long afterward, quit that job when the company foundered — and became a housewife.
Since then we’ve moved twice, both times clear across this enormous country, and I’ve given birth to two amazing children. Kurt and I have gotten older and wiser, and I like to think we’ve aged like fine wine. We’ve seen the internet grow from an interesting way to find information to this enormous time-sucker against which I have to fight so I can enjoy my books too. There was no such thing as Facebook ten years ago, for which I am eternally grateful. My grades were bad enough without it.
But the rules of blogging have changed and moved on without me. I see a lot of people posting their blogs on their Facebook page, something I refuse to do, as I have always used this space as a way to vent my spleen. I’d rather complete strangers know the weird crap that goes on in my head, instead of my nearest and dearest. Technically, no one needs to know that stuff, but I still put it up here.
And that’s fine if people want to be public about their blogs. It’s just something that wasn’t done when I first started blogging, back before the word “blog” had even to be coined. There was only one real cardinal rule about blogs among me and my real-life friends, those of whom had jumped on the Diaryland bandwagon: “You don’t talk about your blog.” Then again, we didn’t have celebrity bloggers, or those who made their living from blogging. It was just something that internet nerds like to do in their spare time.
But now I can feel myself pulling back from this whole blogging thing. For one thing, the interaction isn’t what it used to be. And I’m not one to troll the net to find new blogs. Every once in a while, someone will point out a blog they particularly like, but it’s been quite a while since I added a new blog to my Google Reader. The blogs I do have listed, I can’t find the time to read. Books are pulling me away, Flickr is pulling me away, Facebook is pulling me away.
The second issue is that I’m just not happy with what I have been seeing lately on the blogosphere. I’ve always tried to stay out of the various flame wars that have arisen. I hate taking sides, and I know that what is presented is only one person’s version of events. But recently I was dragged into something not of my choosing, and not of my making. Not only that, it didn’t even involve me directly. And honestly, it made me very sad because it showed me that someone whom I thought was a person who tried very hard to put goodness and light into the universe was instead spewing vitriol behind the scenes. I’m one of those people who think that we have enough hate in the world that what we should try our best to counterbalance it as much as we can by spreading love instead. Which is not to say that I am perfect. I know I have engaged in gossip sessions in which I really shouldn’t, but every time I have said something mean or unflattering, I assure you it’s come back on me ten-fold when someone says something terrible to or about me. It makes me feel awful enough that I don’t want to cause that pain on someone else.
And so I feel all confused, those whom I thought were my friends maybe aren’t so much, and my world has been tipped on its side. Everything is just all catty-wampus right now. I don’t know what to do about it.
All I know right now is that I don’t feel all that comfortable here anymore, and that there is 161 items in my Google Reader that I don’t have the heart to wade through. I’m not saying I’m finished with this blog, but if I’m scarce for a little while, at least you know the reason.
All my best, and all my sunshine and light and love to you all.