The Mind of Bluesleepy

How long is too long? 27 September 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — bluesleepy @ 9:48 am

I have been blogging for ten and a half years.  I doubt I have any readers left from my early days, but if you read my archives from Diaryland, you can see that this blog has seen me through the last three semesters of college, as well as documented the early part of my relationship with Kurt.  I was barely 21 when I started, a sweet young thing who had no idea what life had in store for her.  Indeed, I had no idea where I wanted to go with my life.  I had declared as a computer science major back when all companies cared about was whether you had a degree and a pulse, but by the time I graduated, the bubble had burst — and they wanted only “the best of the best of the best, SIR!”  I muddled through, found a job completely unrelated to my degree which I loved, married Kurt not long afterward, quit that job when the company foundered — and became a housewife.

Since then we’ve moved twice, both times clear across this enormous country, and I’ve given birth to two amazing children.  Kurt and I have gotten older and wiser, and I like to think we’ve aged like fine wine.  We’ve seen the internet grow from an interesting way to find information to this enormous time-sucker against which I have to fight so I can enjoy my books too.  There was no such thing as Facebook ten years ago, for which I am eternally grateful.  My grades were bad enough without it.

But the rules of blogging have changed and moved on without me.  I see a lot of people posting their blogs on their Facebook page, something I refuse to do, as I have always used this space as a way to vent my spleen.  I’d rather complete strangers know the weird crap that goes on in my head, instead of my nearest and dearest.  Technically, no one needs to know that stuff, but I still put it up here.

And that’s fine if people want to be public about their blogs.  It’s just something that wasn’t done when I first started blogging, back before the word “blog” had even to be coined.  There was only one real cardinal rule about blogs among me and my real-life friends, those of whom had jumped on the Diaryland bandwagon: “You don’t talk about your blog.”  Then again, we didn’t have celebrity bloggers, or those who made their living from blogging.  It was just something that internet nerds like to do in their spare time.

But now I can feel myself pulling back from this whole blogging thing.  For one thing, the interaction isn’t what it used to be.  And I’m not one to troll the net to find new blogs.  Every once in a while, someone will point out a blog they particularly like, but it’s been quite a while since I added a new blog to my Google Reader.  The blogs I do have listed, I can’t find the time to read.  Books are pulling me away, Flickr is pulling me away, Facebook is pulling me away.

The second issue is that I’m just not happy with what I have been seeing lately on the blogosphere.  I’ve always tried to stay out of the various flame wars that have arisen.  I hate taking sides, and I know that what is presented is only one person’s version of events.  But recently I was dragged into something not of my choosing, and not of my making.  Not only that, it didn’t even involve me directly.  And honestly, it made me very sad because it showed me that someone whom I thought was a person who tried very hard to put goodness and light into the universe was instead spewing vitriol behind the scenes.  I’m one of those people who think that we have enough hate in the world that what we should try our best to counterbalance it as much as we can by spreading love instead.  Which is not to say that I am perfect.  I know I have engaged in gossip sessions in which I really shouldn’t, but every time I have said something mean or unflattering, I assure you it’s come back on me ten-fold when someone says something terrible to or about me.  It makes me feel awful enough that I don’t want to cause that pain on someone else.

And so I feel all confused, those whom I thought were my friends maybe aren’t so much, and my world has been tipped on its side.  Everything is just all catty-wampus right now.  I don’t know what to do about it.

All I know right now is that I don’t feel all that comfortable here anymore, and that there is 161 items in my Google Reader that I don’t have the heart to wade through.  I’m not saying I’m finished with this blog, but if I’m scarce for a little while, at least you know the reason.

All my best, and all my sunshine and light and love to you all.

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10 Responses to “How long is too long?”

  1. cocoabean Says:

    I will be sad not to read your blog as often… but I totally understand why you are pulling back. At least I can still chat with you to keep up!

  2. I started online in forums, vs the blogosphere. Sadly I encountered the seamier side of the Internet early, ranging from verbal wars to the slime that preyed on others either sexually or emotionally. I’ve seen it periodically on the blogosphere but thank goodness never to the extent I saw it earlier.

    That said – I don’t know how you manage to post at all with little ones at home! You amaze me 🙂

  3. terri t. Says:

    You are so right. I learned my lesson the hard way and it has really made me sad that I was part of something that went so wrong. I am losing my enjoyment of all things that involve the Internet these days. I may go hide myself in the books for a long time.

  4. Rosie Says:

    It’s been a rough one, hasn’t it? I really appreciated the people who have publicly said, “Hey, something happened, it wasn’t pretty, and I fucked up and I’m sorry.” Those are the ones who I know really meant what they said. The others? Not so much. They still have a lot of soul-searching to do and amends to make.

    It is hard to admit that we are imperfect and make mistakes, and be held publicly accountable, but in the end, it’s the best thing to do, and the wisest. Until that is done, there is still an open wound that will be a long time healing.

    Meanwhile, I’m having a hard time posting these days, like you, my diary was my secret, and when The Evil Greg found it, it changed the way I feel about it forever. FB is OK, it’s rather like the really old style blogs where people just did little blurbs to tell what was happening in their lives, but our diaries were the places we really unloaded.

    I miss being able to really unload, but I daren’t anymore. I hope you stay around, though I do understand whatever decision you make. Hugs!

  5. becca Says:

    I agree with you 100%. I’ve been doing this since I was 18, thats 12 years for me and I have been through lots but come out all the better for them all. I don’t do facebook blogging either.

    I do not write my blog for fame and fortune, comments or to be recognised, but to record my life and share it with those who may be interested. It’s a hobby to me in which I can see my life develop.

    There have been times I’ve had my trust and honesty in my blogs betrayed but I always come back, even if I am a little more censored as time goes by.

    I will miss you. xxxx

  6. Kat Says:

    I’ve been feeling the same way about my blog lately, as is evident by the lack of posting.
    I miss the feel that Diaryland had, I miss the anonymity that went with blogging. I miss how it felt like such a secret and that if you even mentioned blogging to somebody you got either a ‘what the heck is blogging’ or that look that was full of pity for the poor ‘nerd’ who stood before them.
    I understand what you’re talking about completely.
    The only reason I haven’t chucked in the towel on blogging is because of the good friends I’ve found through it, yes I’m talking about you here.
    I’ll miss your lovely words.

  7. cardiogirl Says:

    Man, this bites Blue. Long ago I got sucked into the sidelines of someone else’s flame war (love that phrase, btw.) It wasn’t cool.

    Sometimes it’s hard to remain neutral but I’ve learned not to publicly mention which camp I’m in. It’s not worth it and it never ends well.

    I’ll miss you.

  8. Just so you never leave me for good – here or facebook, I always want to know what you’re up to! xox

  9. Military Mom Says:

    I’m just gonna cop right now to not reading your blog for a good while. That’s a bit embarassing considering the speed in which you have commented on my posts. I am very sorry and I want you to know that I have always enjoyed your blog, and it is the only one I have really stuck with over the years. I am sorry that you are having the blog blues, and I do understand. You have always been my most loyal reader, and you stuck by me when things went sideways and my blog got all dark and depressing during my chemo. You were my cheerleader when I needed it. And it has been great to have a kindred sister when it comes to military issues. Thanks for everything, and if you should continue to blog (please?) I promise to be a better friend. As good a friend as you have been to me.

    As long as we’re on the subject, I know what you mean about keeping the blog separate from everyday life. My blog is private and no other military people know about it. I have to keep it separate because I tend to get opinionated, like yesterday, and I don’t need that attention at work. My twitter and FB are kept separate from eachother too. That’s just how I roll. I have my daily life, and my online life, and the 2 shall never meet. Only my mother and my sisters read my blog. And I like it that way. Cheers Blue, love you much.

  10. Bella Says:

    I hope you and your family had a lovely Christmas and the new year will bring you joy.


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